Life

 Do you ever just feel that life is passing you by so quickly and you just can't get a grasp of it? I just feel like I am under so much right now and I cant stop myself from drowning. I feel like I am just going through some quicksand and can't stop myself from sinking. Everyone says that everything happens for a reason or that it will all just work out and I don't feel like that will be the case. 

I am not someone who sits there and talks about their problems, perhaps talking might help me but somethings I just like to keep private and I am a bit worried that someone's envy or jealous would get the best of the situation. If something didn't work out I would believe its because I told that person. I know how funny that sounds but I have grown up always hearing about nazar (evil eye) and believing in that so much. Even if you don't want to believe in it, I just feel like you can't help yourself in the situation. 

I feel like I need a lifeboat to just save me and help me breathe. Honestly as life is getting on the stresses are getting more and more. Life isn't enjoyable if this is how it is going to be. 

I know I'm just going on and perhaps even going off track but I just needed to vent and this is my release my most public diary! I love actually just writing even if it is about all the ugly at least it is somewhere because when I do have good days the bad days don't so bad after all. 

Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Do you ever just feel like everything is just closing in on you? I know the opening of this is super morbid but last Monday an incident happened to me which then led me to have a panic attack. Let me tell you it was bloody scary, I haven't ever felt fear like that it honestly just felt like everything was closing in on me and I couldn't do anything about it. It was an out of body experience and it felt so fucking scary (excuse my language) but honestly it was terrifying. 

Last week was a horrible week for me, I felt so depressed and just couldn't get out of bed. I would wake up drop the little one off to school, come back sleep, wake up and to get him, sort him out and just get back in to bed. That one attack opened something inside me that the thought of just doing anything was terrifying. I didn't want to leave the comfort of my bed or the house as I just had this fear something would happen to me. I still don't feel 100% like me but this week I actually got up and made an effort and haven't lied in my bed yet! 

The frustration that I have is that people don't take mental health seriously and especially not in the South Asian community. They are like there is nothing wrong with you, you're fine. It is all a drama that you are doing. It makes me sad because pervious generations never dealt with their trauma or pains, suffered with their mental health problems and that then resulted in them being abusive or submissive in some way. I think it is so important to talk about it because if we don't then we don't what could happen. 

It isn't just the older generations that are dismissive of it so are the younger ones, people my age. When someone goes and commits suicide they like to make comments that oh they are weak that's why they did it. Its horrible to hear these comments and to hear peoples ignorance because your mental health can have such an impact on your physical health. It is like if you go in to hospital for a brain operation that can impact you so many ways so if something that physical can do it then imagine your mental health impact. Just because you can't see something doesn't mean that it isn't there. 

I think conversations need to happen. If someone says that they aren't feeling themselves then lets talk about it and understand why. Don't act like your problems are bigger in that moment because they truly aren't. I have had that happen to me so many times in the past and even in the present where I will try to express my feelings to only then be dismissed because my problems aren't worth listening to. It is very rare that I share my problems so if I have then there is a reason behind it. 

I come from a family where mental health is at the prominent of our lives. My grandfather in India who was such a intelligent man that he left the UK to go back to Punjab to be declared mad! He went through so much and frankly in my opinion he was just to damn clever for them and stupid people can always make the smartest person feel like stupid! It's actually insane how when your around stupid people long enough if the most intelligent person can lose their sanity. 

I love that my sister promotes good mental health to my nephew. His school promotes mental health they are told to talk about things, express things, say what they feel. It is so important to be able to do that instead of suppressing it and just expecting to be ok. 

I could write about this forever and forever but the bottom line is talk to someone. Just talk to anyone who you feel comfortable with. Because at the end of the day we all need someone to express our good and bad days with. For me well I feel ok for now. I still get paranoid to go out but that is just because of what happened to me put me in a sticky situation and I can't seem to get over it. But I am going out and trying to stay afloat instead of drowning! 

Take it Back - Old School Music

 Whilst I was watching the Platinum Jubilee celebrations, they had Diversity performing who showed how music had changed over the years. When they came to the 90's and started playing Spice Girls that really took me back. I remember listening to Spice Girls and knowing every song and dance move to their songs. Furthermore, that got me thinking about songs that I used to listen to whilst I was growing up and how I just don't listen to them anymore. However on the Nintendo Switch we have Just Dance and they have some old school songs on their and it's so nice to dance to them songs as it really does take you back. 

I couldn't write every single song so I just picked a few that I could think of and the ones that took me back to a time of being in school and coming back home to switch on MTV to listen to those songs! 

So here the playlist of my songs.. I am sure their are few that could take you all back to time of when you first heard these songs: 

1. Backstreet Boys - Everybody 
2. Britney Spears - Toxic 
3. Spice Girls - Spice up your life 
4. Big Brovaz - Favourite Things 
5. Nsync - Pop 
6. So Solid Crew - 21 Seconds 
7. Alicia Keys - Fallin
8. Pink - Get the Party Started
9. Christina Millian - Am to PM 
10. Destiny's Child - Jumpin Jumpin 
11. Five - Everybody Get up 
12. Blue - One Love 
13. 50 Cent - In Da Club 
14. Dr Dre - Still Dre ft Snoop Dogg 
15. Justin Timberlake - Cry me a river 
16. Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl 
17. Christina Aguilera - Genie in a Bottle 
18. Nickelback - How you Remind me 
19. Maroon 5 - This Love 
20. Blu Cantrell - Hit em up Style 
21. Shaggy - It wasn't me 
22. Dj Luck and MC Neat - Little Bit of luck 
23. Mya - Case of my Ex
24. Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta Get Thru this 
25. TLC - No Scrubs 
26. Amy Winehouse - Rehab
27. Tinie Tempah - Pass out 
28. Rihanna - Umbrella 
29. Nelly & Kelly Rowland - Dilemma 
30. Young Money, Lil Wayne, Tyga, Floyd - Bedrock 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

Current Playlist

Following on my previous post about Sidhu Moosewala, I thought that it would be best to write about music in this post. I am always driving about so my Youtube is constantly being used for my playlist. I recently came across a few new songs that I haven't heard before but also came across some songs that I haven't heard in a while. 

I actually love listening to music and anyone who knows me that I love a good dance at anytime but especially at a party. I always think to myself when I am at parties that their are such good songs out there that don't get played but they just keep repalying the old ones over and over again. Last night whilst I was in bed at 09.30pm some people down my road where having a proper party not sure if it was a wedding celebration or what but the bangers that were coming from that house were so incredible I felt like getting up and asking them if I could join ( to be honest if I did do that I would probably end up on TikTok or something)! 

So here is my current playlist of songs: 

• Trouble - Deep Jandu,K Koke, Ganghis Khan 
• Gangsta - Karan Aujla ft YG, Rupan Bal 
• Chitta Kurta - Karan Aujla ft Gurlez Akhtar (this had to come back in the playlist)
• Dhaka - Sidhu Moose Wala ft Afsana Khan 
• End - Amrit Mann, Dr Zeus ft Shortie Littlelox 
• Chauffeur - Diljit Dosanjh, Tory Lanez 
• Oouu- Karan Aujla 
• Saab - Himmat Sandhu 
• Kurta Pajama - Nirvair Pannu 
• The Last Ride - Sidhu Moose Walk 
• YKIM - Karan Aujla, KRSNA, Rupan Bal 
• Nagni - Vadda Grewal & Deepak Dhillon 

 

 

 

 

Sidhu Moosewala - Rest in Peace

 The last two days the world has been shocked by such a sad event in the music industry. Normally things don't really bother when it comes to celebrities but I guess when it comes to music artists you literally live your life through their music. Their music helps you through your good and bad times, any emotion you go through music basically guides you thought it. 

Sidhu Moosewala for me came in to my music platform in 2017 around the time when I got married. I have listened to his songs throughout the last 5 years. I would not class myself as hardcore fan but I was a fan enough that if this guy dropped any new music I would listen to it. His collaboration with Steel Banglez changed the music industry for everyone. Youngsters who didn't listen to punjabi music changed their way of listening to songs thanks to these collaborations. He changed music for everyone in there own ways. 

It is such a shame that a young man lost his life due to others thinking they have the right to take a life. He has left a legacy for himself and for his music. 

So in honour of him here are my favourite tracks of his: 

 

 

 

Behaviour - What is deemed acceptable?

 For the last few weeks I have been having this thought about behaviour and what I mean is behaviour that is in a relationship. I have been married for 5 years but before that I had interaction with other guys and I remember one guy was really rude to me. I just took it, it was like I had this blindfold on that no matter what was happening it was ok. Then it happened again and I was like hold up this isn't  normal and it isn't acceptable behaviour. I cut my losses and moved on which was the best thing. 

I listen to other people interact with their partners especially those of an older generation and think to myself how can you think this is ok. That person is putting you down in their way and you letting them disrespect you. Like there is having a laugh and joke then their is just plain rude and that is when the line gets crossed. 

I think to myself if you let someone disrespect you or talk rudely to you then how would they behave with others? How would they behave with your kids? Like they obviously will keep that pattern of rude behaviour on to them. It's like you may accept the flowers and apologises but doesn't mean that your kids or family members will. I always think behaviour that puts you down which is verbal is abuse as much as getting slapped across the face. 

I hate when people say "well he didn't hit you did he" and its like that's not the point. Verbal abuse is just as bad physical if not worse because that is mentally affecting you. One thing I am very fortunate about is that when it comes to things like this me and my husband are on the same page. We have said if we ever felt that the other was abusing us verbally or we were becoming unhappy then we would just cut our losses because neither one of us should be in a relationship where the other isn't happy. People probably think I am insane for having these conversations with my husband but after what I have seen and heard growing up I think its imperative to have these conversations. 

Moreover, if either one of us felt like that we aren't safe to be around when we have kids then that person would leave. Like I don't even have kids yet and I know that I would love those little things more then anything in this world. They would be number 1 for me and then it would be everyone so why would I not protect them? I get people in their heads believe that they should stay with their partners but as women or even as a parent you have brought these kids in to this world, you wanted them. They didn't ask to be born so why would you abandon them? Like it actually blows my mind when stuff like that happens and having been in situation where it resonates it makes me think about it more and more. 

I look at my nephew and think to myself your not even mine biologically but if you were ever in a situatuon that you were unsafe in then I would do everything in my power to protect you. It's so simple when it comes to your kids they should be your whole world you do everything in this world to bring them here and then when they are here you shouldn't abandon them regardless of their ages or what they have done in their lives. 

I grew up and I still do till today see the toxicness of Indian relationships. I hear the comments that they are just like that. That's how my mum told me to do it, they told me to stick it etc etc... and I just get so sick of it. You can't blame previous generations for you tolerating that behaviour, its your choice to accept that behaviour. Its your choice to believe that this behaviour is acceptable, being spoken down to is acceptable, being berated in public that is your choice. We all have choices and yeah it would be hard, of course it would but being happy should be the top priority. And I don't mean a version of happy that you think is happening. If we kept blaming our past generations for the mistakes we are making them we will forever be in this vicious circle of blaming others and not acknowledging our own views on accepting bad behaviour. 

I actually think it was so powerful of people who had these teen marriages and got divorced. It's like my family members who knew that it wasn't working and were like however I do it I'm cutting out of this. I hear stories that people have been married for 20+ years and got divorced, I am like go you because you are thinking about your happiness. You are thinking about yourself and their is nothing wrong with that. 

I honestly think that you can't blame your parents or your upbringing if you decide to stay with someone. You choose to stay with that person regardless of how they treat you. You choose to stay maybe because its easier, you don't want the stigma of being a "divorcee" or even that you just truly believe that is is true love and happiness. But whatever the reason for you to stay, I really truly believe that you should take a step back and just see how you a being treated as a person. Because at the end of the day life is short and we all deserve our slice of happiness. 

Past and Present Me

 Before marriage I was a completely different person. My writing would be different it would be more open. I wouldn't care what anyone thought about what I wrote. I would just write about anything and everything. But then I got married and all of sudden just became this conservative version of me. I wouldn't write how I use to. My blog became somewhere I would just vent and write anything that would upset me which was always something. It was a hard adjustment getting married. My idea of what marriage would be like and what it was, where two very different realities. 

My husband has always supported me and he is like "Nav you write what you want to write. Forget what everyone says and just be who you are." He hasn't ever told me otherwise and to be honest I think it has always been me subconsciously worried about what everyone in my in laws family would say about me. This kinda stems down to upbringing, like my mother has always kinda just passed on the "rules" of marriage from how her mother was. I don't agree with it and I don't believe that you have to just pass on these beliefs because that was what you are told. I was always told don't speak up to your inlaws you won't know what the consequences would be. I feel like I heard so much before ever getting hitched that subconsciously those thoughts just took over.

I then got married and everything just intensified. I started behaving in a way that wasn't me. I suppressed my voice. I am very vocal person and if someone has done me wrong then I won't ever hesitate to tell them that. But it's like all this stuff was happening to me, things were being said about me and I just shut my mouth. Why? Well its simple, I just didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't want to rock the boat and I just kept my mouth shut. It was easier for me to try and be this dutiful daughter in law which even then sometimes I felt like I wasn't. 

Then one day I just woke up and was like What the Fuck am I doing. Like this isn't me, this isn't who I am. Who am I trying to even please? It wasn't even working for me, it wasn't doing anything for anyone. I was getting more depressed and just finding it hard to be me. It was even starting to cause problems in my relationship because I couldn't be who I wanted to be. It was becoming more frustrating to find out who I was. 

So fast forward to the present and after going through a bag of emotions, drama, tears and basically everything in between. I think I am finally finding me, as the in the Me I was in the past mixed with the maturity I have now. I am not a kid anymore, for bloody hell sake I am going to be 30 next year and I have seen a lot. I have experienced a lot that which has made me the person I am. I am going to be vocal, I am going to be firm and damn well I am going to enjoy my life.

I don't want to wake up anymore feeling like I am not good enough. I am more then enough those people just can't handle because I may be too damn good for them! 

So piece of advice from a women who has been through the works.. keep true to yourself. No matter what happens just think about you because no one else will. You are your own biggest cheerleader in this world!