Finding Joy in the Midst of the Infertility Storm

 If you have follow me and read my blogs then you would know that the past few years I have been discussing about my periods and how long it has taken me to finally get a diagnosis! Well this year I was able to get an answer to all my problems and find out what was going on. 

 

So I have been diagnosed with the condition called adenomyosis. I am not going to go in to the details of what it is but it does cause severe high bleeding, prolonged periods, cramping, pains etc.. It is a condition that can’t be cured but can be managed to a certain extent. So for now I am back on the pill and the next steps would be burn the endo line and then a hysterectomy. The hard pill ironically to swallow when I found out was finding out that I am unable to conceive because alongside this condition I have very low egg count and this has been confirmed by three doctors (before you all say get a second opinion). I have had so many ultrasound checks, blood tests and biopsy that I literally was in tears each time it was done. The time I find out I had the condition and the biopsy was being conducted they had also found an internal infection and I had to have an IV drip straight away. It was the worst time of my life honestly firstly the bleeding was so horrific and then I had to get all these internal checks done! 

 

Me and my husband have discussed the reality of our future of not being able to have kids and what this looks like for us. We had always both said before we met that we would be open to adopt so that is something we would consider in the next few months to year.. I have just finally got my feet settled in my job so I do not want to jump in to something to quickly without doing my research on the whole process. It has been a lot to process that I wouldn’t carry a child or have that feeling so I do not want to rush in to adoption without being fully prepared mentally and emotionally. 

 

Although I can’t have children that does not mean I don’t have loads of children in my life that are so loved by me and my husband. Within south Asian culture especially Punjabi culture we have so many different relationships for ‘Auntie’. So I am so grateful that from my side I am a Massi (Mum’s sister) & Pua (Brothers sister) then on my husbands side I am a Mammi (Mum’s brothers wife), Chachi (dad’s younger brothers wife) & Thaiyi ( dad’s older brothers wife). I am all these relationships and there is a child that calls me Massi, Pua, Mammi, Chachi and Thaiyi! And I love being each one of those relations for these kids. I know that the kids do call me these titles out of respect but there is a genuine love their for me from them. 

 

I was a Pua from a very young age and my Bhabhi used to always call me when the kids wanted to see me which was very often and I would drop everything to be with them. Actually by chance due to luck and opportunity I was able to get my niece her fist job where I work and actually got to spend some time with her before she went to Uni. It felt how it used to be when she was younger and I would take her to the park or even ballet classes on a Saturday! And then as time has gone on I have had a chance to be a Pua to more kids and honestly its so much fun being a Pua. You just have a different feeling when your brothers started to have kids! 

 

Being a Massi has got to be one of my greatest relationships as my nephew is my whole world which everyone knows. I have helped my sister raise him and have always been there for him when he has needed me. Even when circumstances have put us in situations where we may not be as close he always messages or texts askng me for things knowing full well I wont ever say to no him. I know he would love for us to have kids so we got him a little brother in form of our little fur baby our Rocky the labrador! Then that relationship grew out to other nephews and nieces and each one is such a blessing to have in my life. 

 

Mammi is a relation that probably is one that I have so many nephews and nieces call me. My husband has so many sisters who are married and have kids who call me mammi and honestly due to them all being such different ages I have such different relationships with them all. One time will always stand out to me and that is last year my sister in law got married and I had the worst migraine at her wedding events. Two of my nieces came to me and made sure that I was ok and went to get their Mamma to tell him its time to take me home. They saw me crying as I was just so overwhelmed and held my hand/ hugged me and said don’t worry Nav Mammi we are here with you. It meant so much to me that moment and honestly they are the sweetest! And then having a little girl fall asleep in my laps at the wedding time and just stayed with me through out the reception! Memories I will always cherish. 

 

Chachi is such a fun title and honestly the one that I think makes me feel the most youngest! I am a chachi to my two nephews in the states who we do not get to see that often but  hopefully we will soon. But then I am a chachi to the most adorable little girl who makes it known that she gets upset when I leave the room. I think the reason I have such a connection with her is because literally 2 days after her being born we were at their house with gifts and ready to help them. Since then we have always made sure that no matter we always make sure that we are there for her! She maybe chacha’s little girl at the moment but she defo likes it to be known when her Chachi is not in the room!

 

Thaiyi this one just makes me feel older but honestly is such a great title to have! It normally has such older connotations attached to it and I always think of my own but I love my  thaiyi she always make sure we are always fed and looked after. To be honest  that is the same principle that I would follow. The title of thaiyi was only to few nephews and niece who would be so happy to see me and now this title will get another addition to the group. I do not need to have power of the kids with this title but I want them to know that they are safe and that no matter what as being elder then their parents I will always make sure that they get what they want. 

 

All these relationships hold such a special place in my heart because all these kids hold special places in my heart! But these relationships are so special because all the people in my life sister, brothers, sister in laws and brother in laws make sure that there kids know how special these relationships are. They make sure that they know no matter what happens me and my husband are the people you call if they can’t reach their parents! I know everyone has their special relationships with their relatives but it is so nice to know that they keep a special place for us. 

 

The feeling of not being able to have kids does not hurt as much when you know you’ve got family there to support you. However at the same time as people are supportive there are also unsupportive people who judge you because you do not have children or can’t have children. They do not announce their pregnancy announcements to you because they feel you will put ‘nazar’ evil eye on them or you will make it about yourself. They don’t invite you baby showers, or announcements for their pregnancy because I would bring all my negativity. They won’t take any baby advice from you because I do not have kids I could not possibly know anything about raising a child. 

 

This side of infertility is the worst the one where you feel utterly alone because truly no one knows what you are going through. You cry yourself to sleep, you cry in the shower because people feel that they have the right to judge you because your body failed you when that’s the one time it should just work! 

 

So with the dark and lonely side if you find your right people then it can make it that much lighter. Once you accept that this is your reality then it makes life that much easier to live. You do not feel like a failure and actually start to appreciate the smaller things! 

Main Vaapas Aaunga ( I will return) - Netflix Spectacular

It has been a long time since I have watched a movie that touched me so much that as soon as I finished it I had to get a blog written. This movie was released on Netflix - Main Vaapus Aaunga  this year and actually became famous because of one of the songs which I will link in this blog so I have wanted to watch this movie for awhile. 

 

Today was the day that I actually pressed the play button and honestly I knew what to expect from an Imitaz Ali movie but for me this movie has just blown it out of the water. I thought this movie will be around love, relationships and the India/Pakistan Parition but oh boy was I wrong!! This movie was soo much more than that it made me feel things right to the pit of my stomach. My emotions were and still are all over the place. I had watched many movies about the India/Pakistan partition but none have touched me the way that this movie has. 

 

I do not want to give away any spoilers away but I will discuss how this movie made me feel. It was more than love and relationships it was showing the pain that those who lived through that horrific time went through. The loss of losing their homes and their identities – well truly themselves. The heartbreak, the fear and the courage all at the same time. I knew that my grandparents had faced the partition they were born in what is now Pakistan but they were not able to share any stories with us due to be young and to be honest we never truly got the opportunity to ask. My Nan would say that her dad was heartbroken when he had to leave his home and cross that new border in to India. But I never truly understood that pain she always talked about until today when I watched this movie. My heart is broken for all those that had to leave there full lives because someone decided that it was the thing to do! 

 

In the movie the main lead puts his point across by saying why should I leave? This is my home and who can dictate this that I need to move and leave. And honestly the way he said that hit the nail on the head to how people must feel when they are forced to leave. Imitaz Ali is an amazing storyteller and he captured the emotions of the people and the time so well it felt like you weren’t watching a movie but in fact were living it. 

 

They mention the sacrifice that women went through, Diljit Dosanjh says in the movie I do want to think about because the truth is if any of us think about their sacrifice during this time it would just make us angry and frustrate us. Watching the scenes of what women endure doe to decisions that were made by male members of the their family who were thinking it was the best thing but actually it was the worst decisions made laving them behind.  It made them more vulnerable to be attacked, to be less protected. The movie showed that in the face of adversity these women showed so much courage, courage that I would not be able to show if I was faced with such adversity. I salute those women who pick up the courage and show men what they are capable of. That when faced with a horrible situation they fight, they fight and keep on fighting till the end.

 

I do not even think that my writing can capture the emotion that this film has on me. I have so many emotions from it, anger, sadness, happiness and everything in between!!

 

This movie made me open my eyes to think about my grandparents and great grandparents who had to face this. They were forced to homelessness, change of identity and completely became different people due to the circumstance they were faced with. That they were living in harmony Sikhs, Hindus and Muslims and then a border, propaganda amongst so many other things broke down years of friendships and families. We are so against mixed faith marriages due to the way society has been programmed due to historical events but this movie showed that the people who lived it they did not care for others faiths. They just cared for each other as human beings, friends were friends regardless of religion. They fell in love with those who they wanted too knowing that there may be backlash but they fought. But borders were created and love was broken and ultimately identities were taken away. 

 

To be honest I could write for days and days what this movie has done to me and the impact it has left on me. But to be honest all I can see is if you have not watched it then do watch it. For me this was more than a movie, it was  showing history of what people faced and probably still do face. Imitiaz Ali this is my favourite film of yours and to be honest this will movie should go down in the record books for just making the viewer feel emotions!