Finding Joy in the Midst of the Infertility Storm

 If you have follow me and read my blogs then you would know that the past few years I have been discussing about my periods and how long it has taken me to finally get a diagnosis! Well this year I was able to get an answer to all my problems and find out what was going on. 

 

So I have been diagnosed with the condition called adenomyosis. I am not going to go in to the details of what it is but it does cause severe high bleeding, prolonged periods, cramping, pains etc.. It is a condition that can’t be cured but can be managed to a certain extent. So for now I am back on the pill and the next steps would be burn the endo line and then a hysterectomy. The hard pill ironically to swallow when I found out was finding out that I am unable to conceive because alongside this condition I have very low egg count and this has been confirmed by three doctors (before you all say get a second opinion). I have had so many ultrasound checks, blood tests and biopsy that I literally was in tears each time it was done. The time I find out I had the condition and the biopsy was being conducted they had also found an internal infection and I had to have an IV drip straight away. It was the worst time of my life honestly firstly the bleeding was so horrific and then I had to get all these internal checks done! 

 

Me and my husband have discussed the reality of our future of not being able to have kids and what this looks like for us. We had always both said before we met that we would be open to adopt so that is something we would consider in the next few months to year.. I have just finally got my feet settled in my job so I do not want to jump in to something to quickly without doing my research on the whole process. It has been a lot to process that I wouldn’t carry a child or have that feeling so I do not want to rush in to adoption without being fully prepared mentally and emotionally. 

 

Although I can’t have children that does not mean I don’t have loads of children in my life that are so loved by me and my husband. Within south Asian culture especially Punjabi culture we have so many different relationships for ‘Auntie’. So I am so grateful that from my side I am a Massi (Mum’s sister) & Pua (Brothers sister) then on my husbands side I am a Mammi (Mum’s brothers wife), Chachi (dad’s younger brothers wife) & Thaiyi ( dad’s older brothers wife). I am all these relationships and there is a child that calls me Massi, Pua, Mammi, Chachi and Thaiyi! And I love being each one of those relations for these kids. I know that the kids do call me these titles out of respect but there is a genuine love their for me from them. 

 

I was a Pua from a very young age and my Bhabhi used to always call me when the kids wanted to see me which was very often and I would drop everything to be with them. Actually by chance due to luck and opportunity I was able to get my niece her fist job where I work and actually got to spend some time with her before she went to Uni. It felt how it used to be when she was younger and I would take her to the park or even ballet classes on a Saturday! And then as time has gone on I have had a chance to be a Pua to more kids and honestly its so much fun being a Pua. You just have a different feeling when your brothers started to have kids! 

 

Being a Massi has got to be one of my greatest relationships as my nephew is my whole world which everyone knows. I have helped my sister raise him and have always been there for him when he has needed me. Even when circumstances have put us in situations where we may not be as close he always messages or texts askng me for things knowing full well I wont ever say to no him. I know he would love for us to have kids so we got him a little brother in form of our little fur baby our Rocky the labrador! Then that relationship grew out to other nephews and nieces and each one is such a blessing to have in my life. 

 

Mammi is a relation that probably is one that I have so many nephews and nieces call me. My husband has so many sisters who are married and have kids who call me mammi and honestly due to them all being such different ages I have such different relationships with them all. One time will always stand out to me and that is last year my sister in law got married and I had the worst migraine at her wedding events. Two of my nieces came to me and made sure that I was ok and went to get their Mamma to tell him its time to take me home. They saw me crying as I was just so overwhelmed and held my hand/ hugged me and said don’t worry Nav Mammi we are here with you. It meant so much to me that moment and honestly they are the sweetest! And then having a little girl fall asleep in my laps at the wedding time and just stayed with me through out the reception! Memories I will always cherish. 

 

Chachi is such a fun title and honestly the one that I think makes me feel the most youngest! I am a chachi to my two nephews in the states who we do not get to see that often but  hopefully we will soon. But then I am a chachi to the most adorable little girl who makes it known that she gets upset when I leave the room. I think the reason I have such a connection with her is because literally 2 days after her being born we were at their house with gifts and ready to help them. Since then we have always made sure that no matter we always make sure that we are there for her! She maybe chacha’s little girl at the moment but she defo likes it to be known when her Chachi is not in the room!

 

Thaiyi this one just makes me feel older but honestly is such a great title to have! It normally has such older connotations attached to it and I always think of my own but I love my  thaiyi she always make sure we are always fed and looked after. To be honest  that is the same principle that I would follow. The title of thaiyi was only to few nephews and niece who would be so happy to see me and now this title will get another addition to the group. I do not need to have power of the kids with this title but I want them to know that they are safe and that no matter what as being elder then their parents I will always make sure that they get what they want. 

 

All these relationships hold such a special place in my heart because all these kids hold special places in my heart! But these relationships are so special because all the people in my life sister, brothers, sister in laws and brother in laws make sure that there kids know how special these relationships are. They make sure that they know no matter what happens me and my husband are the people you call if they can’t reach their parents! I know everyone has their special relationships with their relatives but it is so nice to know that they keep a special place for us. 

 

The feeling of not being able to have kids does not hurt as much when you know you’ve got family there to support you. However at the same time as people are supportive there are also unsupportive people who judge you because you do not have children or can’t have children. They do not announce their pregnancy announcements to you because they feel you will put ‘nazar’ evil eye on them or you will make it about yourself. They don’t invite you baby showers, or announcements for their pregnancy because I would bring all my negativity. They won’t take any baby advice from you because I do not have kids I could not possibly know anything about raising a child. 

 

This side of infertility is the worst the one where you feel utterly alone because truly no one knows what you are going through. You cry yourself to sleep, you cry in the shower because people feel that they have the right to judge you because your body failed you when that’s the one time it should just work! 

 

So with the dark and lonely side if you find your right people then it can make it that much lighter. Once you accept that this is your reality then it makes life that much easier to live. You do not feel like a failure and actually start to appreciate the smaller things! 

Main Vaapas Aaunga ( I will return) - Netflix Spectacular

It has been a long time since I have watched a movie that touched me so much that as soon as I finished it I had to get a blog written. This movie was released on Netflix - Main Vaapus Aaunga  this year and actually became famous because of one of the songs which I will link in this blog so I have wanted to watch this movie for awhile. 

 

Today was the day that I actually pressed the play button and honestly I knew what to expect from an Imitaz Ali movie but for me this movie has just blown it out of the water. I thought this movie will be around love, relationships and the India/Pakistan Parition but oh boy was I wrong!! This movie was soo much more than that it made me feel things right to the pit of my stomach. My emotions were and still are all over the place. I had watched many movies about the India/Pakistan partition but none have touched me the way that this movie has. 

 

I do not want to give away any spoilers away but I will discuss how this movie made me feel. It was more than love and relationships it was showing the pain that those who lived through that horrific time went through. The loss of losing their homes and their identities – well truly themselves. The heartbreak, the fear and the courage all at the same time. I knew that my grandparents had faced the partition they were born in what is now Pakistan but they were not able to share any stories with us due to be young and to be honest we never truly got the opportunity to ask. My Nan would say that her dad was heartbroken when he had to leave his home and cross that new border in to India. But I never truly understood that pain she always talked about until today when I watched this movie. My heart is broken for all those that had to leave there full lives because someone decided that it was the thing to do! 

 

In the movie the main lead puts his point across by saying why should I leave? This is my home and who can dictate this that I need to move and leave. And honestly the way he said that hit the nail on the head to how people must feel when they are forced to leave. Imitaz Ali is an amazing storyteller and he captured the emotions of the people and the time so well it felt like you weren’t watching a movie but in fact were living it. 

 

They mention the sacrifice that women went through, Diljit Dosanjh says in the movie I do want to think about because the truth is if any of us think about their sacrifice during this time it would just make us angry and frustrate us. Watching the scenes of what women endure doe to decisions that were made by male members of the their family who were thinking it was the best thing but actually it was the worst decisions made laving them behind.  It made them more vulnerable to be attacked, to be less protected. The movie showed that in the face of adversity these women showed so much courage, courage that I would not be able to show if I was faced with such adversity. I salute those women who pick up the courage and show men what they are capable of. That when faced with a horrible situation they fight, they fight and keep on fighting till the end.

 

I do not even think that my writing can capture the emotion that this film has on me. I have so many emotions from it, anger, sadness, happiness and everything in between!!

 

This movie made me open my eyes to think about my grandparents and great grandparents who had to face this. They were forced to homelessness, change of identity and completely became different people due to the circumstance they were faced with. That they were living in harmony Sikhs, Hindus and Muslims and then a border, propaganda amongst so many other things broke down years of friendships and families. We are so against mixed faith marriages due to the way society has been programmed due to historical events but this movie showed that the people who lived it they did not care for others faiths. They just cared for each other as human beings, friends were friends regardless of religion. They fell in love with those who they wanted too knowing that there may be backlash but they fought. But borders were created and love was broken and ultimately identities were taken away. 

 

To be honest I could write for days and days what this movie has done to me and the impact it has left on me. But to be honest all I can see is if you have not watched it then do watch it. For me this was more than a movie, it was  showing history of what people faced and probably still do face. Imitiaz Ali this is my favourite film of yours and to be honest this will movie should go down in the record books for just making the viewer feel emotions! 

June - Such a bittersweet month

 June was such a bittersweet month for us, it’s like we had a dark cloud that was over us constantly with the occasional light coming through. No one should have to go through what we went through and as a family I don’t know how we got through it. 

I don’t know how my husband managed to stay so calm during those horrific times and still be there for me & my family during our celebrations and happiness. June 2026 my husband suffered three major family losses. First his cousin brother passed away, then after 5 days or so his Masser (Uncle) passed away & then a week later his Chota Nana (younger grandfather) passed away. It was hard enough having to the process the first that we were then hit with the second and third! 

Whilst all this had happened we had flown to the other side of the world and where in Bali for my cousin brothers wedding! We were stuck in a rock and a hard place because we had responsibilities at the wedding & back at home. We were in Bali and saw the wedding out but everyday we kept asking each other if anyone had contacted about what was happening back home, checking in with family and constantly apologising about not being here. We were taking moments out of the wedding celebrations to get 5 mins just to decompress and gather our thoughts. Or have the odd cry to process our grief and get our heads around what had happened. No one should have to go through one bereavement but to go through 3 consecutively is just heartbreaking. 

The families support was so strong back home and with all my family in Bali. Everyone back home was encouraging us to enjoy the wedding and deal with home problems once we are back! And everyone in Bali was a backbone for me husband to help him get through these turbulent times. The wedding was fantastic (and will get its own blog post) and everyone around us supported us through it all. 

I wish I could say that was the end of the passings for me but upon my return to work I was notified that one of my collegoues who worked in another department had suddenly passed away! How can 4 close people pass away? It was just in heard of.. my grief became amplified and I just couldn’t fathom how this had happened. I remember leaving work before my annual leave and he was happy, smiling! To then come back 2 weeks later to find he was no more. I sometimes just think he will come by my desk but I know he won’t.. 

June was filled with heartbreak, sadness mixed with happiness and then desperation to get to the bottom of the truth, to just truly understand why things happened the way they did. July has started with accepting what’s happened, cremating those who are no longer with us & honouring their memory. 

Life moves forward and we move forward with it but that doesn’t mean the grief doesn’t stay. June 2026 will always be remembered for one of the most craziest months that perhaps we have ever lived. 

Rest in Peace Masser

 “There is no normal way to grieve. Expect that we all do it.” 

I don’t really know where to start with my post. My whole family always says emotions aren’t something I show easily. That I don’t just break down at every sad time or that I’m just built differently. It’s not that I’m some emotionless robot but I just process things differently I suppose. 

In the past two weeks two days before Christmas my masser (uncle) passed away. It wasn’t sudden but also wasn’t expected either. He fell unwell and his body just couldn’t fight it anymore so he finally found peace and passed away. Yesterday was the funeral and like all funerals it was hard. You start to remember the person that he was, your memories from childhood. Growing up my mums side of the family was a strong unit.  Every birthday, anniversary & family hangout was a celebration. It was also that house that hosted them. It was always my Masi & Masser who had the big get togethers and as time went on that all stopped. God took there biggest strength from them my cousin sister and things went dark. But then we all found the light again and started to get together as a family. The celebrations might not of been as big as they use to be but now someone was always hosting! 

I have a lot of memories of my Masser which those of you who know him could honestly relate to a memory that I will share. I remember when I got diagnosed with diabetes my parents weren’t here but my Massi & masser were. My Masi came to the hospital to see me with my favourite food and I couldn't eat it there so she waited for me to come out of hospital. So the next day when I was discharge we went round to their house. My masser a man of very few words who never said much unless it was to complain about the British weather in a moment could see something that even I couldn't. Masi had my favourite food which was cauliflower and pork curry its a Malaysian dish and she cooked a lot of Malaysian food as that is where masser was from. So she made it and honestly she didn't know how to act around me. Things were different now, I was taking insulin injections and this was my new normal now. Anyways Masi was hovering over me and freaking out about my injections and my masser a man of very few words like I said. Turned around and just told her to stop. To stop hovering and freaking out because he sensed that I was uncomfortable. Like I said a man of few words but was a straighter talker when he had to say something! He literally told her the straight truth that nor was I dying or nor am I dead. That I was there, surviving and taking the medication that I needed for survival. Stop with all the faff you making her feel uncomfortable. And in that moment he felt more what I needed more than I did. He could sense how overwhelmed I was & knew I wouldn’t say it out of fear of offending everyone but he didn’t care to offend anyone as he knew that’s what I needed. 
He didn’t ever complain when we would go and and just stay for nights at his house even when my cousins wouldn’t be there. As time went on he started to come out less and we started to go around less especially after my Massi passed away. But he knew we were always there for him and vice versa. In moments like these actions have defiantly spoken louder then words. 

We may not of been continuously seeing each other or even speaking to each other but in the end when he needed us the most. When my cousin brother need us the most we were there for them. Showing up at the hospital, going past the house, calling and messaging. And truly that is honestly what matters the most. It sometimes isn't how much you say but how much you do! 

Masser was a man who loved his country, loved his family and loved his cooking. He loved his old Bollywood songs that we would be played endlessly throughout the house. He use to collect records and without fail there would be music flowing throughout there house. That is my memories of him and the house growing up. 

Grief is horrible, sadness is horrible but just like happiness its an emotion that also has to be endured. 

Masser I may never said much when you were around but we will miss you! We will miss your stories about Malaysia, we will miss your love for old classics Hindi songs and we will defiantly miss your cooking!! 

You three are up there now together and you've left behind the biggest part of your heart our dear brother and wonderful sister in law with us. We will care for them, love and protect them until you need them! Love knows no bounds when it comes to family! 

Child and Childless - Why make me feel inadequate for my decisions?

 You get to a stage in your life that all you hear about is engagements, weddings, pregnancy announcements - you get the gist of what I am trying to say. I think if I wasn't married or in a committed relationship then perhaps peoples engagements would bother me. 

However I am in a relationship so you can probably guess what my next sentence is. I don't get bothered by pregnancy announcements but they use to really hurt especially when I started going through all this with my periods a few years ago. As you are aware the period issues are still there but I have just had to accept this and that not getting pregnant at the moment isn't on the cards. 

To be honest that you kinda just acknowledge and move on. But it is how people treat you, that I feel impacts you more than anything. I think this where you start to notice differences between your family and your partners family. Upbringings and just how people deal with situations that perhaps they don't feel comfortable with. 

I don't know if people do this knowingly or unknowingly but still it shouldn't really happen. I will get to the point of what I am trying to say and that is how different you get treated by people who have kids if you don't have one. I probably know more about kids and what they need as someone who doesn't have them compared to people who do have them. And that is because I come from a very fortunate family that any time anyone has had kids it has always been me that they have trusted to look after them. I look after and raise my nephew who literally comes to me sometimes before his own mother. I know what is needed for schools and PTA groups look like. I've done more pick ups and drop offs then I could even count that is because my family have always trusted me to be there go to person. The best part is my nephew and nieces love me so they love it when Auntie is at the school gate! 

More recently one of my sister in laws got married on my husband's side and during the wedding I was the go to Auntie to look after the most gorgeous little girl. Not once did my sister in law make me feel incompetent to look after her daughter or didn't trust me. I was actually crying to her when we left because she made me feel so valued in that moment as this little girls aunt. She will never know how much she made me feel seen in that moment. Honestly her, other family members they all do it without thinking but what they don't realise is how much love and respect they give me. 

I just think that it's so crazy how people form these groups of kids only parents and push you to side because you don't have one. I think that makes you feel worse because you feel like you're being sidelined for something that isn't your fault or out of your control. 

It is not only the little click's of the groups but also the comments of why aren't you having one. Why not go abroad and have IVF? I answer politely but what I really want to say is F*CK YOU and your opinion. No one cares for and nor do I care what you think I should do. It isn't your decision, it is  mine. I think it is so funny that my length of marriage determines if I should have a child or not. 

I don't know if having kids is in my future or if it is something that we even want anymore as the heartbreak and pain to get there is greater than actually achieving it. However it doesn't determine who I am as a person. Or what my relationship amounts to. I also think it's so funny how people can't accept if you don't want to have kids. I can have a great life with or without them. Having a healthy life is more important than trying to kill myself to bring another life in to this world! 

So for you people out there who are in a similar situation to me. Don't worry if you're being sidelined because you don't have a kid(s) just know your enough and your worth is everything! We will carry on with the people that matter in our lives and not the ones that just like to hang out with parents.... (if you know what I mean)! 

You think you know me....

I got the title of this blog post so easy but to write this post has been difficult. I bet you're all wondering what she going to write considering what the post title is. 

Well it's simple really. Everyone I come across always tends to have an opinion on me, my relationships especially the one with my husband. Don't get me wrong we all have opionions formed about everything but I don't think that we should pushing them on to people. 

People honestly believe that me and my husband suffer financially, that we can't afford to buy a house. That we probably don't have a very romantic relationship as we don't have kids. We put others before we put each other first. Not only just things about us as a couple but things about me. 

I think people assume that because I share a lot of things on my social pages and write this blog that I show all my cards to the person I am. I can truly say these don't even begin ton scratch the surface of how I am or the things that I have to deal with. I am a brutally honest person and there are so many things that I dont share or even write anything about. I would love to actually write how I feel about things or situations but I just know that people wouldn't really like what I have to write. As they don't like what to have to say when I say it in person. 

Anyways I am slightly digressing from what I am actually trying to write. I just think everyone seems me and think that they know everything about me. The truth is no one has ever tried to get to know the real me so if your opinion of me lets you sleep at night better then actually just talking to me that's great. But don't think that by saying things to my face is going to warrant a response that you would want or like. 

I try to stay out of lot of matters because frankly I don't want to get involved or even be bothered to talk about the topic. But if I do get involved it's because I can't stand saying things that are completely untrue. 

Moving forward I know people will have their opinions but just keep them to yourselves. And if you think that you throw your unwarranted opinions about me to me then why not actually do it to the people who do mean and horrible stuff. I think perhaps they are the ones that need to hear it more than me. 

 

Periods

For all you fellow readers and who have been following my journey for the past 5 years, you then know that my periods have been horrific. I always feel like I need to share the journey with you all and not because I love wiring about it but because I think it's really important to discuss women's femine health as it is not spoken about enough. 

Growing up having heavy periods was just normal. No one ever pushed to get it investigated, no one bothered to actually check why these problems are happening. I have always had heavy periods but it was the usual 5 days of what I considered a normal cycle. It wasn't until I was in my late teens/ early 20's that I actually realised that it wasn't normal. 

So you're all probably wondering what do I have to share this time round about my menstrual cycle? Well what is there not to say. It has been 6 weeks of being on and the last 4 of them were of heavy and very painful periods. I spent at least one week of it just in bed with painkillers and hot water bottles that did nothing. I have been to the doctors 4 times in the space of 2 weeks just so I can get some help. Honestly the first doctor I saw for my first few visits was so bad. She actually told me there was nothing that could be done. It was only when I told her what to prescribe me did she take some notice of what I was saying. The doctor I spoke to recently I told her that I had done my research and that the tablet that I am can be taken 3 times a day for heavy bleeding per a NHS website that she took me seriously. 

I have been referred to get an ultrasound done and even that was such a hassle to book. It amazes me how rude staff can be when you're just trying to get some help. It is like you're already feeling so vulnerable and scared to then have someone on the other side telling you that they can't really help. 

Having the heavy periods has been hard, having the painful periods has been hard. But not getting any help or advice has made this even more difficult. I know that health concerns are ignored and especially when it comes to women's health especially periods but it's like this shouldn't happen. 

I have had great experiences through the NHS. They were so quick to diagnose my diabetes. They helped me when I had stomach issues and that has been to check for IBS and gynaecology. But now or perhaps since Covid you just can't be seen for anything! 

I am also going private but still am following through with my NHS appointments. But its like its been such a long journey and to be honest I haven't got a straight answer in 5 years, I feel unlucky I will get one now!