Sidhu Moosewala - Rest in Peace

 The last two days the world has been shocked by such a sad event in the music industry. Normally things don't really bother when it comes to celebrities but I guess when it comes to music artists you literally live your life through their music. Their music helps you through your good and bad times, any emotion you go through music basically guides you thought it. 

Sidhu Moosewala for me came in to my music platform in 2017 around the time when I got married. I have listened to his songs throughout the last 5 years. I would not class myself as hardcore fan but I was a fan enough that if this guy dropped any new music I would listen to it. His collaboration with Steel Banglez changed the music industry for everyone. Youngsters who didn't listen to punjabi music changed their way of listening to songs thanks to these collaborations. He changed music for everyone in there own ways. 

It is such a shame that a young man lost his life due to others thinking they have the right to take a life. He has left a legacy for himself and for his music. 

So in honour of him here are my favourite tracks of his: 

 

 

 

Behaviour - What is deemed acceptable?

 For the last few weeks I have been having this thought about behaviour and what I mean is behaviour that is in a relationship. I have been married for 5 years but before that I had interaction with other guys and I remember one guy was really rude to me. I just took it, it was like I had this blindfold on that no matter what was happening it was ok. Then it happened again and I was like hold up this isn't  normal and it isn't acceptable behaviour. I cut my losses and moved on which was the best thing. 

I listen to other people interact with their partners especially those of an older generation and think to myself how can you think this is ok. That person is putting you down in their way and you letting them disrespect you. Like there is having a laugh and joke then their is just plain rude and that is when the line gets crossed. 

I think to myself if you let someone disrespect you or talk rudely to you then how would they behave with others? How would they behave with your kids? Like they obviously will keep that pattern of rude behaviour on to them. It's like you may accept the flowers and apologises but doesn't mean that your kids or family members will. I always think behaviour that puts you down which is verbal is abuse as much as getting slapped across the face. 

I hate when people say "well he didn't hit you did he" and its like that's not the point. Verbal abuse is just as bad physical if not worse because that is mentally affecting you. One thing I am very fortunate about is that when it comes to things like this me and my husband are on the same page. We have said if we ever felt that the other was abusing us verbally or we were becoming unhappy then we would just cut our losses because neither one of us should be in a relationship where the other isn't happy. People probably think I am insane for having these conversations with my husband but after what I have seen and heard growing up I think its imperative to have these conversations. 

Moreover, if either one of us felt like that we aren't safe to be around when we have kids then that person would leave. Like I don't even have kids yet and I know that I would love those little things more then anything in this world. They would be number 1 for me and then it would be everyone so why would I not protect them? I get people in their heads believe that they should stay with their partners but as women or even as a parent you have brought these kids in to this world, you wanted them. They didn't ask to be born so why would you abandon them? Like it actually blows my mind when stuff like that happens and having been in situation where it resonates it makes me think about it more and more. 

I look at my nephew and think to myself your not even mine biologically but if you were ever in a situatuon that you were unsafe in then I would do everything in my power to protect you. It's so simple when it comes to your kids they should be your whole world you do everything in this world to bring them here and then when they are here you shouldn't abandon them regardless of their ages or what they have done in their lives. 

I grew up and I still do till today see the toxicness of Indian relationships. I hear the comments that they are just like that. That's how my mum told me to do it, they told me to stick it etc etc... and I just get so sick of it. You can't blame previous generations for you tolerating that behaviour, its your choice to accept that behaviour. Its your choice to believe that this behaviour is acceptable, being spoken down to is acceptable, being berated in public that is your choice. We all have choices and yeah it would be hard, of course it would but being happy should be the top priority. And I don't mean a version of happy that you think is happening. If we kept blaming our past generations for the mistakes we are making them we will forever be in this vicious circle of blaming others and not acknowledging our own views on accepting bad behaviour. 

I actually think it was so powerful of people who had these teen marriages and got divorced. It's like my family members who knew that it wasn't working and were like however I do it I'm cutting out of this. I hear stories that people have been married for 20+ years and got divorced, I am like go you because you are thinking about your happiness. You are thinking about yourself and their is nothing wrong with that. 

I honestly think that you can't blame your parents or your upbringing if you decide to stay with someone. You choose to stay with that person regardless of how they treat you. You choose to stay maybe because its easier, you don't want the stigma of being a "divorcee" or even that you just truly believe that is is true love and happiness. But whatever the reason for you to stay, I really truly believe that you should take a step back and just see how you a being treated as a person. Because at the end of the day life is short and we all deserve our slice of happiness. 

Past and Present Me

 Before marriage I was a completely different person. My writing would be different it would be more open. I wouldn't care what anyone thought about what I wrote. I would just write about anything and everything. But then I got married and all of sudden just became this conservative version of me. I wouldn't write how I use to. My blog became somewhere I would just vent and write anything that would upset me which was always something. It was a hard adjustment getting married. My idea of what marriage would be like and what it was, where two very different realities. 

My husband has always supported me and he is like "Nav you write what you want to write. Forget what everyone says and just be who you are." He hasn't ever told me otherwise and to be honest I think it has always been me subconsciously worried about what everyone in my in laws family would say about me. This kinda stems down to upbringing, like my mother has always kinda just passed on the "rules" of marriage from how her mother was. I don't agree with it and I don't believe that you have to just pass on these beliefs because that was what you are told. I was always told don't speak up to your inlaws you won't know what the consequences would be. I feel like I heard so much before ever getting hitched that subconsciously those thoughts just took over.

I then got married and everything just intensified. I started behaving in a way that wasn't me. I suppressed my voice. I am very vocal person and if someone has done me wrong then I won't ever hesitate to tell them that. But it's like all this stuff was happening to me, things were being said about me and I just shut my mouth. Why? Well its simple, I just didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't want to rock the boat and I just kept my mouth shut. It was easier for me to try and be this dutiful daughter in law which even then sometimes I felt like I wasn't. 

Then one day I just woke up and was like What the Fuck am I doing. Like this isn't me, this isn't who I am. Who am I trying to even please? It wasn't even working for me, it wasn't doing anything for anyone. I was getting more depressed and just finding it hard to be me. It was even starting to cause problems in my relationship because I couldn't be who I wanted to be. It was becoming more frustrating to find out who I was. 

So fast forward to the present and after going through a bag of emotions, drama, tears and basically everything in between. I think I am finally finding me, as the in the Me I was in the past mixed with the maturity I have now. I am not a kid anymore, for bloody hell sake I am going to be 30 next year and I have seen a lot. I have experienced a lot that which has made me the person I am. I am going to be vocal, I am going to be firm and damn well I am going to enjoy my life.

I don't want to wake up anymore feeling like I am not good enough. I am more then enough those people just can't handle because I may be too damn good for them! 

So piece of advice from a women who has been through the works.. keep true to yourself. No matter what happens just think about you because no one else will. You are your own biggest cheerleader in this world! 

Wedding Hindsight...

 They say 20/20 and hindsight is such a wonderful thing and it is. When you realise what is happening and when it is due to happen then sometimes you can prevent it. I have been going to a lot of weddings in the past 5 years since mine and I always look at theirs. I think to myself they look at so much ease. I wonder if I did at my wedding. 

I still can't believe sometimes that this year is going to be 5 years since I got hitched. Let me tell you that road hasn't been smooth sailing at all, I feel at times their have been more bumps than anything. But one thing I think that I always think about is my actually wedding and reception day. I look at weddings now and honestly mine wouldn't even come in the top majority of how these weddings are done. They are all over the top and designer glam. Pre wedding shoots are made in to mini punjabi movies. Proposal's are literally becoming out of this world its insane. But I always think to myself what would I have done differently if I could go back to that time. 

1. I always wanted to sit with my parents and inlaws on a table. So I did do that, because I have seen it at English weddings and I think its the cutest concept ever. However with Indian people, its a big NO NO! Unless of course you're having an intimate gathering type of wedding. I always imagined how it would be but that isn't how it played out on the day. I was just better getting a head table for me and my hubby. 

2. Having a siblings/cousins table as I am very close to my family and to be honest that hasn't and won't ever change because I have a ring on my finger. Being married doesn't mean that my family have died and its all about my in laws family. My family will always be my family and my in laws family would just be an extension to that. I shouldve just had a "family table" and then there wouldn't of been any disagreements. 

I think that sometimes the family members and guests forget that the wedding isn't theirs and it is someone else. That it is about the bride and groom, how they want it.  As people attending you should respect that. I feel that some part of our wedding that respect element for us was gone in all the other commotions. 

I also feel like as a bride I should've put my foot down more. I just wanted to keep the peace and I honestly felt that someone else would've put their foot down if I couldn't voice it. I see how some brides act and even daughter in laws act. I always think to myself if I had or if I ever act like that everyone would be ready to put me in my corner. Perhaps I should off  been a bit more firm in the past and even now I should be more firm because those who act like that they get what they want. No one even bats an eyelid at them. 

I should of got cocktails at my wedding. I like to have a drink but that doesn't make me an alcoholic by any means. I should've got signature cocktails in honour of me and my husband. It was something that I always wanted but again I didn't put my foot down. I think at some point even I started to think about the groom's family and others that would be there. 

I always said I wanted a playlist of my favourite songs to be played at my pre wedding party. I had actually forgot to do this, and I think its important to have someone who is in on the planning. Me and my mum had done most of it before my sister came. Then once my sister came the three of us did it. However by that time I was so absorbed in planning that I actually forgot about it. So this is one that I wish I had really done. 

I am sure there are loads of other things that could've gone differently or that I could have remembered to do. It doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy my wedding. Yes it had more drama then a whole season of Eastenders but it was still an enjoyable day. I mean I am hitting the 5 year mark and who would've thought that with the daily drama I can get embroiled in to that I would've made it this far. 

So a tip for all you future brides, if you feel like something is wrong then it defiantly is. Get some one on board to help with the planning even if it is just remembering something small. Put your foot down, it will help you in the long run. Don't ever settle for less and why should you! Lastly, its your day with your new partner, so ignore the bullshit (because that doesn't ever go) and enjoy yourselves!! 

Like I said hindsight is a wonderful thing! 

Bridgerton Season 2

Everyone has seen or heard of Bridgerton on Netflix. It was the most talked about and watched show when season 1 first came out. We all were swooning over the Duke and those fit Bridgerton men. Like everyone else I was loving season 1 and was hooked. I even got my sister hooked, it was the perfect December watch in a lockdown. It was what was needed during those glum times. Bridgerton took us all to another time and era, which we all loved. 

So when I found out that season 2 was coming out like most people I was excited to see how it was made. I was even more excited because it made by Shonda Rhimes who makes Grey's Anatomy and I love that show after binge watching that show last year. So, the expectations were very high for this season. 

There was a lot of conversations around this season, the first was that the Duke wasn't going to be in. The second was the South Asian representation that people were going all crazy over. Then their was the storyline and how it was adapted from the book but also needed to fit the South Asian’s in the show. So I was thinking how is this going to work. I haven't ever read the books because I only found out about Bridgerton as it was on Netflix. But I wanted to see how this season was going to be. 

I am a South Asian and don't get me wrong I think representation is good to show but I don't get the big show of it all. Yes they cast an Indian girl to play the main characters but to be honest I think it would've been better if the the main character was white. People getting so excited because they use a few things to reflect South Asian’s I think was funny. I don't think it was all that to be honest and to be honest I didn't like this season. 

I think I am one of few people who would say that. And it isn't about the sex scenes as in the first season there was many sex scenes but I just feel like this season was lacking so much more. Yes it was lacking in sex scenes and I feel like that could've added something. But there was no real excitement for me. I had no interest to see if the two got together in the end. In the first season every episode had excitement.The connection between the Duke and Daphne was just so obvious and you could see the excitement in both of them. This was flat for me. It had nothing that was really sticking out. 

Even the other storylines of the Feathringtons, Lady Whistledown, the Queen. There was no real jazz of the show. I skipped most of it as I found it really boring to watch and I think I was waiting for something exciting to happen. Even the way that Lady Whisteldown is sussed out by one of the characters that couldve been done better. It was just a mere guessing game. 

I read a couple of articles of peoples thoughts of Bridgerton and some have similar views to me. But one made a point about the second book and that we are missing so much from the book. The sex scenes, the intimacy, like we could've had a much better season. 

Furthermore, I feel like the Duke could of been in it. He would've added a real nice addition to Anthony and how he feels about getting married. As the Duke didn't want to get married at first but then you could see how he changed and how Daphne changed his views on it. Perhaps the Duke being in the show might of made it more interesting because I found it really flat. 

So here is hoping that season 3 will be better then season 2 because I was really disappointed. 

Cousins Reunion

 I bet you're all reading that title and be thinking why would you need a cousins reunion, surely you all talk and see each other. Well an interesting fact is that actually haven't seen all my cousins since my Nan's funeral which was back in 2015 but no one of us really spoke and there was some missing. I think when I was younger was the last time that we had all go together and over that time we got married, had babies and basically just got set up in our own lives. 

Before I get in to the ins and outs of the reunion you all need some backstory of me and my family to actually understand the reunion. So the cousins that I met are all from my mum's side of the family. So here goes with the breakdown of my mum's family. My mum is the youngest of 5 siblings, she has two older brothers and then two older sisters. Her eldest brother has 2 sons, then her second brother has 1 boy and 2 girls, her eldest sister has 2 sons and her other sister had 1 daughter and 1 son. When I was younger her daughter passed away but we always remember her. Then my mum has 2 girls and 1 boy. So in total there is 11 of us cousins. 

So that is the family breakdown of us all and as you can imagine this was a long time coming. When we were younger we use to be at each others houses all the time, Christmas and New Years were always spent together. Then life happened and adults happened, we all just kinda went our separate ways but we finally created a WhatsApp group and booked in a dinner. 

On Saturday afternoon we all ventured to meet in Milton Keynes as that was the location that was picked and met at a restaurant. Everyone came with their families expect for one person that was due to them being unwell. However the rest of us all got together and it was so lovely. At first we didn't know what to expect as it has been a long time since we have all been together and we have all grown up. My husband and one of my cousins partners didn't come either. Well my husband was working but also slightly from my point of view I hadn't seen my cousins in ages and I kinda just wanted to see how it would be with me. Furthermore see how the conversation was flowing and how we would all be. 

It was nice to see everyone and see their families because apart from my nephew that I live with. My two cousins sisters have kids and it was lovely to see them. MY cousin who is the eldest out of us all has kids but his kids are older and to be honest we all saw them grow up they were around when we all use to be really close. It was nice to catch up with everyone and find out what they are up to. 

I feel like the only downfall of having a reunion in a restaurant is that at times we were just stuck in our seats and it was hard to have a conversation with everyone or even long conversations. I feel like when we have the next reunion it should defiantly be at someones house as it would be a more relaxed setting for the kids to run around and the adults to have a good catch up. Also another idea could be for just the adults to go out so we aren't all worrying about the little kiddies and actually be able to converse with each other. 

Check out my socials for the pics from the reunion: 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/navs_nonsense/?hl=en

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/NavsNonsense/

Painful Living

 As I lay here in bed tossing and turning failing to fall asleep. I think to myself you know what I wish my illnesses weren’t chronic and internal that they were physical. That people could actually see the pain I am in day in and day out. I feel like just because I don’t walk with a walking stick my illnesses in peoples eyes are invalid. 

It’s like you don’t realise how much these illnesses affect my day to day life. I’ve had to cancel so many plans with people Becuase of them. My headaches and migraines have been the worst this year compared to any. My legs have been feeling so tight and painful that I just don’t know what to do. I can’t even walk sometimes because they are getting so tight I can’t put weight on them. People see me rushing around and doing everything but that comes at a price. If I walk a bit too quickly in the day by the evening my legs will swell and be so painful I won’t be able to sleep. And to be honest that’s what’s happened today, my head has been aching and then my legs just stopped working basically. I had to force myself upstairs and as I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep. 

I take medication for it all and it helps but sometimes you just get bad days. I feel so sorry for everyone around me because I have to disturb their sleep and wake them up just so that they can massage my legs to get the blood flowing and the pain to ease. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t. 

It’s so frustrating the impact this has in my daily life but also my mental health. It’s so annoying when I want to go do something but can’t because I know the severity of pain that I am in! 

It’s like yes I’m 29yrs old and I have these illnesses but that’s just my life. I accept it and to be honest I adapt my day to day around it. This week has been a very hard week for my overall. Mentally and physically I feel burnt out. Last week was emotionally challenging as there was some family issues going on that just kept bringing me down. And I look at everything, think to myself how do I keep going? How have I just not given up yet? I don’t know what my body is made out of and no matter how much I push it sometimes it just needs a break! 

So next time you see someone and you think they have an easy life stop and be kind! Because honestly you don’t know what that person is going through!