The unexpected parts of life Grief...

 Grief is so consuming and it creeps up on when you least expect. Like life is so unpredictable so is death we don’t see it coming but it just happens so quickly. It comes so unexpectedly and takes over everything that we know. I haven’t written in a while and truth be told it is hard to think of what to write but sometimes things just happen in life that need to be written down. 

I have heard of so many people passing this year and each passing that I have found out has shocked me because each death was so unexpected. It is already May and I have been to two funerals that have just been so hard to attend. Yesterday I didn’t know what to expect but I didn’t expect to cry as much as I did, I didn’t expect to feel so much sadness since I had heard about my husbands Pua (aunt) passing it has been so hard to process. I know that someone would expect to be like she is my husbands real aunt but to be honest in our cultural every close relative whether they are related or not are made in to a relationship. Those relationships become so close that when something happens whether that is sickness or even death it just shocks you so much.

 

These two funerals have been so hard, hearing about people passing has been so hard. You want to be there for the family but sometimes you don’t know how to be. You don’t know the right things to say or perhaps even do. You sit at the funerals just watching the families and it makes you start to think about your own family the passing of your family members. It brings back so much and the grief from all that just over washes you.

 

I think its just so crazy how one day someone is with you laughing and joking then next moment they aren’t. This is a deep thought for a Friday but the past two weeks have been so rough that I guess I hadn’t realised how much it would’ve affected me. It was hard to process but now that we have laid her to rest and I know she is getting peace it makes things feel abit more calmer. The pain doesn’t ever go but you just find a way to deal with it and live on with their memory. 

End of a Decade.. Bye Bye 20's

 Today is my last official day of being in my 20's and tomorrow I turn the ripe old age of 30 years old. I share everything with you wonderful readers so am going to share this pivotal moment in my life too. Recently I have really been thinking about the last 10 years and everything that has been achieved in my 20's. 

When I turned 20 honestly it was amazing and the beginning of my 20's was incredible. I experienced so much of life. I finished education as soon as I came in to my 20's and that was such a pivotal moment. It was like all my life I had spent in education, there was that routine of getting up and learning to then just floating and trying to find my feet. Let me tell you that I still haven't found my feet, I am still guessing myself as to where I want to work, what career would I like? Where do I see my life path going? When I was younger I thought that I would have my life figured out by the time I was in my late 20s and now I am out of that I still don't feel like I have anything figured out at all. 

20 year old of me would of been so scared that I didn't have my life together at this age but honestly I am actually so happy to be embracing my 30's. I actually am so excited for the things that I have been planned and for the future ideas that I have brewing. I pray that they all fortify and become in to something so amazing. 

I thought that when you hit your 30s that your life would all be figured out but it is not and let me tell you something it never is. Even people who look like they have life figured out they actually don't they just let on that they do. So advice I would give to my younger self is don't freak out, plans don't always work out but everything and I mean everything happens for a reason. 

So here are the top 29 things that have happened or I have learned in my 20's: 

1. I went to a private university and obtained a degree in just under 2 years instead of 3. 
2. I met one of my best friends at university and ten years later we are still as close as ever. 
3. I got married which was an experience in itself. 
4. I put myself out there and started making my self more present on social media. 
5. I learned that grief can really shape the type of person you are.
6. That true family and friends will stick with you no matter what happens in life. 
7. I got my first tattoo. 
8. I dyed my hair blonde and loved every minute of it. 
9. I went to so many festivals and concerts. 
10. Travelled to Australia, Bali, Canada, India and that is just the start of my travel journey. 
11. Met so many people some who changed my life and others who made me learn a lot 
12. Went on some great road trips with my bestie and friends 
13. Learned how important my health really is when it constantly was turning point for me as the years went by 
14. Had many firsts, got my first job, first experience of finding love, first experience of learning to be by myself 
15. Putting my social media content out there for everyone to see and actually gaining positive feedback 
16. Got my wonderful car the a BMW 1 series and haven't ever been able to replace it since its been gone. 
17. I had so much fun interning at a magazine and if I could do it again I would in a heartbeat 
18. Went to India and worked which was an experience in a good and bad way but all worth it 
19. Went to see so many new places in England that I never would've before (thank you Covid) 
20. Gained some new family and friends along the way that are here for life. 
21. Saw Michael McIntyre live and was on TV 
22. Played so much mini golf and honestly getting better at it 
23. Went to see so many zoos, day trips 
24. Went to Royal Ascot for the first time ever 
25. Learnt so much about traditions at weddings due to my in-laws having at least minimum 3 wedding a year that has a lot of preparation in to them 
26. Went Winter Wonderland so many times from 20 years old - to present 
27. Went to The Ritz for Afternoon Tea 
28. Went to the Shard endless times 
29. Went to a chiropractor which was a first! 

That list was a lot harder than I had anticipated and to be honest I have probably missed out so much but a decade is really hard to cover in one blog post. But here it is my last ten years in a nutshell. 

Here are some pics to showcase the fun that I have been having: 

Mental Health & Me

 The hardest part of anything in life is accepting that something isn’t right. I don’t write these blog posts to get sympathy or for people to know my situation. I write them to create awareness of illnesses, mental health & issues within our South Asian community. 

So you’re probably thinking where the hell is she is going with this blog post. Well this one is around mental health, one thing that is so neglected in all areas of life. I’ve been feeling pretty low for majority of this year but I kept finding something positive or “something good” that would happen that would brighten up my mood. However that’s not happened in the last 3 months or so. I had an operation in my inner leg to remove a very large absecess and that hospital  experience was so horrific I still feel like I am suffering from some form of PTSD. I had three days of just being bounced from one doctor to another at the hospital. To then a doctor telling me I didn’t know what I was doing or talking about. They gave me such strong drugs I was throwing up as soon as I came out of the operating theatre and that’s not even the most of it. It was so horrible that I actually just broke down in the hospital & self discharged myself. Which was probably the best thing I could. This operation meant going to the doctors three times a week to get my bandage changed. As the wound was open, the risk of infection was high along with my diabetes I had to be monitored regularly. It was probably the hardest time in my life because I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t walk properly at the beginning, showers were a no go. I had to rely on family members to help me out to do basic things. I knew I wasn’t myself because I was already low, but then my nurse started to ask the right questions which then alerted a lot of things in myself regarding my feelings. 

She then put me in touch with a well-being officer who straight away put me in touch with a therapy group. I couldn’t break out of this funk I was feeling. As soon as I started talking to the therapist they diagnosed me with depression, severe anxiety & low self esteem/ low mood. The things they were saying made so much sense to me. I felt like finally someone understood me. It didn’t surprise me when that was the diagnoses because the whole operation was so stressful that I just couldn’t think about anything else but my leg. Plus it came at such an inconvinent time not that there ever is a good time for this stuff. I had my brother in laws wedding to think about at the end of October.  I cried at the doctors leading up to his wedding. I was like please let this leg heal so that I can enjoy myself. That I can be me again. Because feeling like me hadn’t happened for such a long time. My leg was probably 60% healed at the wedding but I don’t know how I did it maybe it was aderaline & determination but I powered through that wedding. I had showers like normal, I got dressed up, I made sure everyone was catered for. I had a smile on my face.  But even through those happy days my dark cloud was still hanging over me. And during the wedding me and husband got some bad news. That just broke me. I won’t ever forget sitting in that hotel room and crying. Crying as if everything I had in me, all the hurt & pain just came out. I couldn’t handle life anymore at that moment, but my husband calmed me down. We spoke about it and put all our attention to the wedding. It was our last family wedding in the Kang household, I had to be present & happy. It’s so hard sometimes to be 100% happy when inside all you want to do is curl up in a dark room. 

The last few months have tough, and to be honest I don’t know how I’ve got through them or am getting through them. I’ve spoken to some family members as I feel like I lost my faith in my religion. I felt like I needed to speak to someone who was devoted to the religion to understand how did they do it. When they felt so low how did they find their faith if they ever lost it. I’ve reached out to my friend because I wanted her to understand why I’ve been so closed off.

I think it’s so important to inform those you love why you are the way you are. Writing is a big part of who I am and a big part of my healing journey. It’s been a long time since I’ve written like this and I don’t know why but I just had this urge to write how I am feeling & share it. My illness won’t stop, I live with chronic ones so they are for life. But sometimes it becomes too much, when you spend the best part of your day in bed because your trying to fight of a simple stomach bug or a fever or anything, the darkness of it all consumes you. 

I just feel like if you are suffering from anything please don’t think you’re alone for even one second. There is someone out there who loves you and will help you. I know I’ve got a long road, even though my leg is healed my demons haven’t completely left. But that’s because life is complicated, it changes, people who thought we were so close to leave. And sometimes there gaps in life can’t be filled but we have to find the right coping mechanism for ourselves. 

Also put yourself first because no one else. And always no matter what be kind you don’t know anyone’s story no matter how much they share. 

Operations Suck

I have a written the opening to this blog like three times. For some reason I can't find the words to what I want to say. The last few weeks have been really tough but it is not only the last few weeks the last few months have been tough. I feel like I met my breaking point at the end of August and to be honest it is taking me a long time to get my head around things. 

So at the end of August I found a massive lump inside my left thigh. I kinda ignored it as I thought it would just go away by itself but it didn't. We had a paath (prayer) in Coventry that weekend and I just powered though. My leg would be killing and I wouldn't even be able to have a shower because it was so painful. It was bank holiday Monday so I couldn't get a doctors appointment but come Tuesday I got an emergency appointment. The doctor wasn't very helpful she was like I think it could be a boil or abscess so you can either take the antibiotics or go hospital. I opted for the antibiotics. I took the antibiotics for 48 hours and within that time my leg was letting puss out and blood out. I put a big dressing on it but the puss and stuff wouldn't stop coming out. My mum was like you don't look right, the colour was draining from my face so we had to call out an ambulance. The paramedics thought I may have sepsis so they call ahead and informed the hospital that I was coming. When I got to the hospital I had to wait awhile for a bead and then they put me in a bay. They took my bloods and hooked an IV to my arm with antibiotics just in case I did have sepsis. I got to the hospital at 7.15pm and they didn't come back to me until 10.30pm to tell me that I didn't have sepsis but that the abscess would need to be removed. The first doctor that came told me she could drain it there and then but would need a second opioion. The second doctor was like nope they can't do it they would need a surgeon to remove it. I then had to wait for the surgeon who said that he wouldn't do it now but would look at doing it in the morning and that I couldn't eat anything after 1am. So at this point its 11.15pm and my last meal was at 2pm. I was starving, I wanted to go home and honestly I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with the hospital. They booked everything in and told me to come back around 6am. I came home just before midnight and ate my dinner quickly went to bed. 

The next morning the day of mine and my husband's 5th Wedding anniversary we woke up and ventured to the hospital at 6.30am. We both were so tired and so hungry but honestly we just wanted it over and done with. I was told to wait in the A&E waiting area and the chairs were so uncomfortable. I waited for like 2 hours and no one called out my name. I went to the girl and receptionist and explained to her that I was told my surgery was going to be in the morning but no one has come to see me. She went to find out and it turned out that I was moved out general surgery to orthopedic and that a doctor from that department will come to see me. That doctor did not come to see me until lunchtime and that was to inform me he needed to speak to the surgeon so that they could decide if my surgery was going to be done today and also there plan of action. He was like bear with me for like 30 mins and I will be back. That man disappeared for 2 hours and then he came back with the surgeon. The surgeon had a look at it and told me what they would have to do and if they could do it today or not. At this point it has been like 13 hours since both me and my husband have eaten. And as a diabetic that is really risky and dangerous. I couldn't even drink water because they were like we may do your surgery today. After another 2 hours of waiting a nurse called me and they put another cannula in my arm because they thought I was going to have surgery. It turns out that I couldn't have surgery that evening and that I could go home and come back in the morning. We left the hospital around 4.30pm/5ish and honestly I was exhausted. I didn't even think that I could go back another day but I had to get this fixed. I munched so much food as I was so hungry. I went to my cousins house as it was my nieces 18th Birthday Party and I wanted to be with my family. My husband stayed at home and went to sleep as we were both so exhausted. 

The next day I was going to give up but my husband was like let's go and let's get this fixed. We went to at around 7am and the doctor who I spoke to the day before was coming in for his shift around 8am. By 9 am the doctor came to see me and he got me all set up in a room. The surgeon came to see me and it was different one from the day before. She again told me what she was going to do and what would happen after the surgery. They found me a bed and within thirty minutes I was on a ward. I was told that my surgery was going to be at 1.30pm I was trying not to get my hopes but I was really tired of waiting around. At 1.30pm they told me that it had been pushed to 6pm. I was getting really fed up and hungry. My husband called my sister and she dropped off some food for him because he was like one day of starving was enough. I waited all afternoon and my arm was killing from the cannula and all the IV drips they had me hooked to. They had me on sliding scale for my insulin as my blood sugar was creeping up. I finally got taken to surgery at 7pm and spoke to the anaesthesia they were like you need to stay awake. I had so much anxiety going in to the operation because it was such a stressful experience getting there. Around 9pm I woke up in the recovery room and I felt so trapped in my body. All I remember is crying and shouting, the nurse and doctor comforted me told me where I was and then I calmed down. They gave me fentanyl and codeine for the pain which made me feel horrible. Going back to the ward was so horrible because my head of spinning. As soon as I got back to the ward I started throwing up because I hadn't eaten and had these horrible drugs. There was a lovely lady on my ward who gave me a banana which settled my stomach. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep but they kept checking up on me every hour. Around 1am I was so desperate for the toilet and a nurse came to help me. That's when I realised the size of the bandage it was massive. I then woken up at around 7am and my husband came by 9am. As that is when visiting hours opened. The surgeon came to see me and basically was like you should stay in the hospital so that we can hook you up to an IV drip and was giving me such extreme measures of what could happen to my leg. I was like I can't stay here, like its been such a horrible experience and now you are adding things that don't need to be added. 

I finally discharged myself, took my antibiotics home and was told that I could just go and see my GP for the dressing change which I preferred. As soon as I was home, I didn't do anything for 7 days for a number reasons the main one being that the bandage was so big I couldn't even wear pants only shorts. When I went to the doctor after the 7 days they were shocked at home much packing they had put in the wound. The wound was open and that was the only way it could heal. It had so much depth to it and so much width to it, I got my mum to see and she as like it looks like lips. So from that point until last week I was at the doctors three times a week. This is the first week where I am going twice and there is less packing and the wound has gone a lot smaller. But I still have the bandage and I still get very tired if too much friction happens to it. So I am not at the end yet and its been such an ordeal but I am praying and hoping that it heals very soon! 

So that is why I haven't been active on socials, or written any blogs and even made any videos. I just haven't been myself and I am hoping that I get to myself very soon. 

Health always comes first so remember to look after yourself and if something isn't right then defiantly get it checked out! 

Movies Reviews

There has been a lot of good movies out at the moment in the cinema and honestly I am loving it. I loved going to the cinema pre pandemic and nothing has changed to be honest after. Due to the pandemic so many films didn't get their release dates so there has been an influx of movies out at the moment. Since we have been out of the 'pandemic' I feel like it has been non stop trips to go and watch movies. Before you all start thinking I must be baller paying for all these cinema trips that is not the case, I look for as many discounts as I can. My husband is all about saving the pennies where we can and if you know him then you know that is defiantly true! 

I know a lot of movies do just come on to streaming services but the thrill of going to the cinema is something else. Also, with social media just giving spoilers away straight away it is nice too get in to the cinema and watch these films. I could go back as far as last year and write my reviews on the movies but I won't bore you all with that. So I will just list the movies that I have seen and the movies that I am looking forward to seeing! 

1. Gangubai Kathiawadi this film is a 10/10 and it is on Netflix if you haven't already seen it. It is defiantly worth the watch. I have written an in depth review about the movie on my blog: Nav’s Nonsense: Gangubai Kathiawadi Film Review

2. Batman this film actually surprised me. I would give it an 8/10 as it took me by surprise and Robert Pattinson plays a really good Batman. It shows the earlier part of his life and how he becomes the person that he doesn't. I think if you like superhero movies then its worth the watch for you. 

3. Uncharted was a good film. I would give it a 7/10 and for those of you who haven't heard about it then it is based on a video game. I didn't know how well it would be made seeing as the premise of it was a video game but they made the movie well. And we were all engaged throughout which was good. I knew of the game but had never personally played it so it was an interesting concept. 

4. Sonic 2 is so funny! I actually really enjoyed watching this movie and I would give it a 9/10. It was probably because I was really in to the first one. I didn't think I would've enjoyed that but that film us good and its good family entertainment as well. If you haven't seen Sonic then it is on Netflix and thus furry little hedgehog gets you laughing! 

5. Bad guys this is such a great animation film. This is defiantly a 10/10 and not only did my nephew enjoy it. I think me and my husband enjoyed it a lot as well. It was so funny and it was nice to see the other side instead of always seeing the good guys defeat the bad guys this film has a real twist to it. If you haven't seen it yet then I would recommend that it is one to watch. 

6. Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore was amazing!! It was a 10/10 and honestly I went to the cinema twice to watch this movie. I am obsessed with Harry Potter and from their the obsession of Fantastic Beasts started. The movie was made so well and I think it is actually one of my favourites out of all three of them. Dumbledore is my favourite character so have a film to reflect his story was amazing! So if you're a fan even if you're not a fan of HP or FB then you should still check this movie out. 

7. Dr Strange in the Multiverse of Madness so this movie left me speechless. 10/10 at this point I wasn't expecting anything less. I have got obsessed with Marvel thanks to my husband who is obsessed and its kinda becoming a joint obsession for us both. I feel like to understand the movie completely you would need to watch Wanda Vision on Disney Plus and Spider Man No Way from Home as these films set the scene for Dr Strange. I mean you could you still go ahead and watch it but you might not completely understand the story behind why the characters are the way they are. This movie is available to watch on Disney+ so if you haven't already watched it then do go and check it out. 

8. Thor: Love and Thunder another Marvel movie so you are already anticipating a good review which is exactly what it will be. A 10/10 movie and one that had a lot of comedy in it. The movie is a carry on from the other Thor's so you can just watch this and get an idea of whats going on because they do talk a lot about the past and how it is linked to the present. The movie had its elements of comedy but was also serious where it needed to be. I feel like even if you aren't a marvel fan you still enjoy this movie. The other Thor movies are available to watch on Disney+. 

9. Top Gun Maverick was mind blowing! It was a 10/10 and let me tell you it really shocked me. I have watched the old one and I wasn't too keen on it. I mean it would've been good for the time it came out but now I wasn't engaged. I was kinda interested how they were going to connect the two together and they did it so well. I was so excited to watch this movie and I waited a while to watch it but I finally got around to it. If you haven't not seen this movie then you are missing out. Even if you don't like the old Top Gun or haven't even seen it, it doesn't really matter. This movie is made so well that you hooked throughout the whole movie. It has you engaged from the get go and there is a lot of reference to the first movie but you kinda work out what happened and what is happening. 

I actually can't believe how movies have come out and how many I have seen. There was a couple that I wanted to watch but didn't get the time so will have to wait till they come on the TV or some sort of streaming service. It's only July and I have seen all those, there are still so many that are yet to come that I want to watch. So whether you are a cinema lover or not I would defiantly recommend the above films and give me your suggestions for some that I may have missed out! 

Life

 Do you ever just feel that life is passing you by so quickly and you just can't get a grasp of it? I just feel like I am under so much right now and I cant stop myself from drowning. I feel like I am just going through some quicksand and can't stop myself from sinking. Everyone says that everything happens for a reason or that it will all just work out and I don't feel like that will be the case. 

I am not someone who sits there and talks about their problems, perhaps talking might help me but somethings I just like to keep private and I am a bit worried that someone's envy or jealous would get the best of the situation. If something didn't work out I would believe its because I told that person. I know how funny that sounds but I have grown up always hearing about nazar (evil eye) and believing in that so much. Even if you don't want to believe in it, I just feel like you can't help yourself in the situation. 

I feel like I need a lifeboat to just save me and help me breathe. Honestly as life is getting on the stresses are getting more and more. Life isn't enjoyable if this is how it is going to be. 

I know I'm just going on and perhaps even going off track but I just needed to vent and this is my release my most public diary! I love actually just writing even if it is about all the ugly at least it is somewhere because when I do have good days the bad days don't so bad after all. 

Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Do you ever just feel like everything is just closing in on you? I know the opening of this is super morbid but last Monday an incident happened to me which then led me to have a panic attack. Let me tell you it was bloody scary, I haven't ever felt fear like that it honestly just felt like everything was closing in on me and I couldn't do anything about it. It was an out of body experience and it felt so fucking scary (excuse my language) but honestly it was terrifying. 

Last week was a horrible week for me, I felt so depressed and just couldn't get out of bed. I would wake up drop the little one off to school, come back sleep, wake up and to get him, sort him out and just get back in to bed. That one attack opened something inside me that the thought of just doing anything was terrifying. I didn't want to leave the comfort of my bed or the house as I just had this fear something would happen to me. I still don't feel 100% like me but this week I actually got up and made an effort and haven't lied in my bed yet! 

The frustration that I have is that people don't take mental health seriously and especially not in the South Asian community. They are like there is nothing wrong with you, you're fine. It is all a drama that you are doing. It makes me sad because pervious generations never dealt with their trauma or pains, suffered with their mental health problems and that then resulted in them being abusive or submissive in some way. I think it is so important to talk about it because if we don't then we don't what could happen. 

It isn't just the older generations that are dismissive of it so are the younger ones, people my age. When someone goes and commits suicide they like to make comments that oh they are weak that's why they did it. Its horrible to hear these comments and to hear peoples ignorance because your mental health can have such an impact on your physical health. It is like if you go in to hospital for a brain operation that can impact you so many ways so if something that physical can do it then imagine your mental health impact. Just because you can't see something doesn't mean that it isn't there. 

I think conversations need to happen. If someone says that they aren't feeling themselves then lets talk about it and understand why. Don't act like your problems are bigger in that moment because they truly aren't. I have had that happen to me so many times in the past and even in the present where I will try to express my feelings to only then be dismissed because my problems aren't worth listening to. It is very rare that I share my problems so if I have then there is a reason behind it. 

I come from a family where mental health is at the prominent of our lives. My grandfather in India who was such a intelligent man that he left the UK to go back to Punjab to be declared mad! He went through so much and frankly in my opinion he was just to damn clever for them and stupid people can always make the smartest person feel like stupid! It's actually insane how when your around stupid people long enough if the most intelligent person can lose their sanity. 

I love that my sister promotes good mental health to my nephew. His school promotes mental health they are told to talk about things, express things, say what they feel. It is so important to be able to do that instead of suppressing it and just expecting to be ok. 

I could write about this forever and forever but the bottom line is talk to someone. Just talk to anyone who you feel comfortable with. Because at the end of the day we all need someone to express our good and bad days with. For me well I feel ok for now. I still get paranoid to go out but that is just because of what happened to me put me in a sticky situation and I can't seem to get over it. But I am going out and trying to stay afloat instead of drowning!