Past and Present Me

 Before marriage I was a completely different person. My writing would be different it would be more open. I wouldn't care what anyone thought about what I wrote. I would just write about anything and everything. But then I got married and all of sudden just became this conservative version of me. I wouldn't write how I use to. My blog became somewhere I would just vent and write anything that would upset me which was always something. It was a hard adjustment getting married. My idea of what marriage would be like and what it was, where two very different realities. 

My husband has always supported me and he is like "Nav you write what you want to write. Forget what everyone says and just be who you are." He hasn't ever told me otherwise and to be honest I think it has always been me subconsciously worried about what everyone in my in laws family would say about me. This kinda stems down to upbringing, like my mother has always kinda just passed on the "rules" of marriage from how her mother was. I don't agree with it and I don't believe that you have to just pass on these beliefs because that was what you are told. I was always told don't speak up to your inlaws you won't know what the consequences would be. I feel like I heard so much before ever getting hitched that subconsciously those thoughts just took over.

I then got married and everything just intensified. I started behaving in a way that wasn't me. I suppressed my voice. I am very vocal person and if someone has done me wrong then I won't ever hesitate to tell them that. But it's like all this stuff was happening to me, things were being said about me and I just shut my mouth. Why? Well its simple, I just didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't want to rock the boat and I just kept my mouth shut. It was easier for me to try and be this dutiful daughter in law which even then sometimes I felt like I wasn't. 

Then one day I just woke up and was like What the Fuck am I doing. Like this isn't me, this isn't who I am. Who am I trying to even please? It wasn't even working for me, it wasn't doing anything for anyone. I was getting more depressed and just finding it hard to be me. It was even starting to cause problems in my relationship because I couldn't be who I wanted to be. It was becoming more frustrating to find out who I was. 

So fast forward to the present and after going through a bag of emotions, drama, tears and basically everything in between. I think I am finally finding me, as the in the Me I was in the past mixed with the maturity I have now. I am not a kid anymore, for bloody hell sake I am going to be 30 next year and I have seen a lot. I have experienced a lot that which has made me the person I am. I am going to be vocal, I am going to be firm and damn well I am going to enjoy my life.

I don't want to wake up anymore feeling like I am not good enough. I am more then enough those people just can't handle because I may be too damn good for them! 

So piece of advice from a women who has been through the works.. keep true to yourself. No matter what happens just think about you because no one else will. You are your own biggest cheerleader in this world! 

Wedding Hindsight...

 They say 20/20 and hindsight is such a wonderful thing and it is. When you realise what is happening and when it is due to happen then sometimes you can prevent it. I have been going to a lot of weddings in the past 5 years since mine and I always look at theirs. I think to myself they look at so much ease. I wonder if I did at my wedding. 

I still can't believe sometimes that this year is going to be 5 years since I got hitched. Let me tell you that road hasn't been smooth sailing at all, I feel at times their have been more bumps than anything. But one thing I think that I always think about is my actually wedding and reception day. I look at weddings now and honestly mine wouldn't even come in the top majority of how these weddings are done. They are all over the top and designer glam. Pre wedding shoots are made in to mini punjabi movies. Proposal's are literally becoming out of this world its insane. But I always think to myself what would I have done differently if I could go back to that time. 

1. I always wanted to sit with my parents and inlaws on a table. So I did do that, because I have seen it at English weddings and I think its the cutest concept ever. However with Indian people, its a big NO NO! Unless of course you're having an intimate gathering type of wedding. I always imagined how it would be but that isn't how it played out on the day. I was just better getting a head table for me and my hubby. 

2. Having a siblings/cousins table as I am very close to my family and to be honest that hasn't and won't ever change because I have a ring on my finger. Being married doesn't mean that my family have died and its all about my in laws family. My family will always be my family and my in laws family would just be an extension to that. I shouldve just had a "family table" and then there wouldn't of been any disagreements. 

I think that sometimes the family members and guests forget that the wedding isn't theirs and it is someone else. That it is about the bride and groom, how they want it.  As people attending you should respect that. I feel that some part of our wedding that respect element for us was gone in all the other commotions. 

I also feel like as a bride I should've put my foot down more. I just wanted to keep the peace and I honestly felt that someone else would've put their foot down if I couldn't voice it. I see how some brides act and even daughter in laws act. I always think to myself if I had or if I ever act like that everyone would be ready to put me in my corner. Perhaps I should off  been a bit more firm in the past and even now I should be more firm because those who act like that they get what they want. No one even bats an eyelid at them. 

I should of got cocktails at my wedding. I like to have a drink but that doesn't make me an alcoholic by any means. I should've got signature cocktails in honour of me and my husband. It was something that I always wanted but again I didn't put my foot down. I think at some point even I started to think about the groom's family and others that would be there. 

I always said I wanted a playlist of my favourite songs to be played at my pre wedding party. I had actually forgot to do this, and I think its important to have someone who is in on the planning. Me and my mum had done most of it before my sister came. Then once my sister came the three of us did it. However by that time I was so absorbed in planning that I actually forgot about it. So this is one that I wish I had really done. 

I am sure there are loads of other things that could've gone differently or that I could have remembered to do. It doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy my wedding. Yes it had more drama then a whole season of Eastenders but it was still an enjoyable day. I mean I am hitting the 5 year mark and who would've thought that with the daily drama I can get embroiled in to that I would've made it this far. 

So a tip for all you future brides, if you feel like something is wrong then it defiantly is. Get some one on board to help with the planning even if it is just remembering something small. Put your foot down, it will help you in the long run. Don't ever settle for less and why should you! Lastly, its your day with your new partner, so ignore the bullshit (because that doesn't ever go) and enjoy yourselves!! 

Like I said hindsight is a wonderful thing! 

Bridgerton Season 2

Everyone has seen or heard of Bridgerton on Netflix. It was the most talked about and watched show when season 1 first came out. We all were swooning over the Duke and those fit Bridgerton men. Like everyone else I was loving season 1 and was hooked. I even got my sister hooked, it was the perfect December watch in a lockdown. It was what was needed during those glum times. Bridgerton took us all to another time and era, which we all loved. 

So when I found out that season 2 was coming out like most people I was excited to see how it was made. I was even more excited because it made by Shonda Rhimes who makes Grey's Anatomy and I love that show after binge watching that show last year. So, the expectations were very high for this season. 

There was a lot of conversations around this season, the first was that the Duke wasn't going to be in. The second was the South Asian representation that people were going all crazy over. Then their was the storyline and how it was adapted from the book but also needed to fit the South Asian’s in the show. So I was thinking how is this going to work. I haven't ever read the books because I only found out about Bridgerton as it was on Netflix. But I wanted to see how this season was going to be. 

I am a South Asian and don't get me wrong I think representation is good to show but I don't get the big show of it all. Yes they cast an Indian girl to play the main characters but to be honest I think it would've been better if the the main character was white. People getting so excited because they use a few things to reflect South Asian’s I think was funny. I don't think it was all that to be honest and to be honest I didn't like this season. 

I think I am one of few people who would say that. And it isn't about the sex scenes as in the first season there was many sex scenes but I just feel like this season was lacking so much more. Yes it was lacking in sex scenes and I feel like that could've added something. But there was no real excitement for me. I had no interest to see if the two got together in the end. In the first season every episode had excitement.The connection between the Duke and Daphne was just so obvious and you could see the excitement in both of them. This was flat for me. It had nothing that was really sticking out. 

Even the other storylines of the Feathringtons, Lady Whistledown, the Queen. There was no real jazz of the show. I skipped most of it as I found it really boring to watch and I think I was waiting for something exciting to happen. Even the way that Lady Whisteldown is sussed out by one of the characters that couldve been done better. It was just a mere guessing game. 

I read a couple of articles of peoples thoughts of Bridgerton and some have similar views to me. But one made a point about the second book and that we are missing so much from the book. The sex scenes, the intimacy, like we could've had a much better season. 

Furthermore, I feel like the Duke could of been in it. He would've added a real nice addition to Anthony and how he feels about getting married. As the Duke didn't want to get married at first but then you could see how he changed and how Daphne changed his views on it. Perhaps the Duke being in the show might of made it more interesting because I found it really flat. 

So here is hoping that season 3 will be better then season 2 because I was really disappointed.