I know that I have written and spoken about my periods time and time again. But this time I just feel it like I wouldn't ever come back to my normal self. If you are new and are just coming across this then perhaps I should start right from the beginning.
My periods started when I was very young, I was only 10 years old when they started and it was fine I had no choice in life but to accept this like all girls. My periods were always really heavy and when I was 18 years old the doctors put me on the pill to help my regulate them which was great. In between the time of 18 and 26 I have come on and off the pill which is perfectly fine and normal. My periods were even ok during that time.
So in December 2019, I said to my husband that I am going to come off the pill and let's see if we can start trying for a baby. I know what some of you are thinking but you said you didn't want kids, firstly people can change their minds and secondly when I saw my diabetes was going in a good direction I thought to myself maybe this is the time to try. So after coming off the pill for nine months I didn't have a period, in that time I did think to myself of wow maybe I am pregnant and like everybody else I could be having a 'lockdown baby' turns out the test was negative and it was just my body giving me off signals. I then had a period in September 2020, at first it started out all normal and fine but a month in it was super painful and super heavy. I contacted my doctor who thought perhaps I was having a miscarriage because I was bleeding so much. I wasn't but they were just really bad periods. I went for an ultrasound in October and then roughly a month or so later then sent me for another ultrasound and an appointment with the gynaecologist. The gynaecologist was like to me lucky I sent you for another ultrasound because if I went by your first set of scans I would be doing a hysterectomy on you as your scans were that bad. The gynaecologist then told me that I have PCOS ( polycystic ovary). That getting pregnant would be a tough task for me. She was like if by the summer you haven't conceived then do come back and see us.
I then went away and again for a good few months I didn't have a period. However at the end of May 2021 it started again. It started off as it always does easy and then it gets tough. I remember thinking two months in to this period surely this has to stop. I asked the doctors for some tablets and they didn't work throughout my cousins wedding I leaked and bled on to each of my bottoms. No matter how much I ran to the toilet I wasn't getting there in time. I then just broke down to my family, I was like I can't take this anymore. It was getting me down not only physically but mentally too. I was getting panicked because I had to go up to Coventry for my brother in laws wedding. I remember going to one of the functions at the start of the wedding and we had to keep stopping at services because I knew I had to keep changing my pad. I had some tablets left over that the doctor had given me, and after speaking to a family member who is a pharmacist about taking the tablets. I was able to see the wedding with a bit of piece of mind. Eventually after 4 months of periods they stopped with medical intervention.
That was getting me close to breaking point but I was still holding hope on getting pregnant. We got through a whirlwind summer and even a lovely holiday to Canada all period free. However within a week of us being back my period started. I thought it was going to be a gradual step of how they normal are. No not this time. My second day in, I woke up early as I didn't feel right so I went to the bathroom. As soon as I sat on the toilet I saw that all my underwear and bottoms were soaked. I still tried to keep it together and then as soon as I looked down there was blood all on the toilet and on the floor. I called for my sister and I just broke down. I just sat on the toilet and I wailed my eyes out. Why was this happening to me? Why was the blood so bad that I couldn't even go to the toilet without blood being everywhere? My sister bless her, got my up off the toilet and put me in the shower. She cleaned up all the messed that I had made as I just couldn't get over it. I just kept breaking down. I rang the doctor there and then, after speaking to the nurse I decided I needed to go back on the pill. I even just told my husband straight up, I was like as much as I would like to get pregnant now my mental health comes before anything else.
Mentally and physically I am not ready for the journey of pregnancy and a baby. I can't have 4 months of straight bleeding and getting all my clothes dirty, get the beds dirty, even getting the sofa dirty. It isn't fair on myself or my family to see me go through that. It was so hard to see my family watch me breakdown like that.
So for now that is where I am. I am back on the pill and I am going to focus on myself, on getting myself back to the happy, healthy person that I was. Then I will think about having babies and getting a private healthcare advisor to just have a look over again down below and take the next steps that are necessary.
I am sharing this story so if there are those of you out there who are going through something similar then you aren't alone. It is horrible how much shame there is around periods, it's like people say get pregnant but yet hate when you mention about sex or periods. It is like all these things are connected!
So if you ever feel alone like how I did, do reach out to family or a healthcare professional. Don't fall in family pressure of getting pregnant or not being able to talk about periods. Help is out there you just need to reach out.
