The hardest part of anything in life is accepting that something isn’t right. I don’t write these blog posts to get sympathy or for people to know my situation. I write them to create awareness of illnesses, mental health & issues within our South Asian community.
So you’re probably thinking where the hell is she is going with this blog post. Well this one is around mental health, one thing that is so neglected in all areas of life. I’ve been feeling pretty low for majority of this year but I kept finding something positive or “something good” that would happen that would brighten up my mood. However that’s not happened in the last 3 months or so. I had an operation in my inner leg to remove a very large absecess and that hospital experience was so horrific I still feel like I am suffering from some form of PTSD. I had three days of just being bounced from one doctor to another at the hospital. To then a doctor telling me I didn’t know what I was doing or talking about. They gave me such strong drugs I was throwing up as soon as I came out of the operating theatre and that’s not even the most of it. It was so horrible that I actually just broke down in the hospital & self discharged myself. Which was probably the best thing I could. This operation meant going to the doctors three times a week to get my bandage changed. As the wound was open, the risk of infection was high along with my diabetes I had to be monitored regularly. It was probably the hardest time in my life because I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t walk properly at the beginning, showers were a no go. I had to rely on family members to help me out to do basic things. I knew I wasn’t myself because I was already low, but then my nurse started to ask the right questions which then alerted a lot of things in myself regarding my feelings.
She then put me in touch with a well-being officer who straight away put me in touch with a therapy group. I couldn’t break out of this funk I was feeling. As soon as I started talking to the therapist they diagnosed me with depression, severe anxiety & low self esteem/ low mood. The things they were saying made so much sense to me. I felt like finally someone understood me. It didn’t surprise me when that was the diagnoses because the whole operation was so stressful that I just couldn’t think about anything else but my leg. Plus it came at such an inconvinent time not that there ever is a good time for this stuff. I had my brother in laws wedding to think about at the end of October. I cried at the doctors leading up to his wedding. I was like please let this leg heal so that I can enjoy myself. That I can be me again. Because feeling like me hadn’t happened for such a long time. My leg was probably 60% healed at the wedding but I don’t know how I did it maybe it was aderaline & determination but I powered through that wedding. I had showers like normal, I got dressed up, I made sure everyone was catered for. I had a smile on my face. But even through those happy days my dark cloud was still hanging over me. And during the wedding me and husband got some bad news. That just broke me. I won’t ever forget sitting in that hotel room and crying. Crying as if everything I had in me, all the hurt & pain just came out. I couldn’t handle life anymore at that moment, but my husband calmed me down. We spoke about it and put all our attention to the wedding. It was our last family wedding in the Kang household, I had to be present & happy. It’s so hard sometimes to be 100% happy when inside all you want to do is curl up in a dark room.
The last few months have tough, and to be honest I don’t know how I’ve got through them or am getting through them. I’ve spoken to some family members as I feel like I lost my faith in my religion. I felt like I needed to speak to someone who was devoted to the religion to understand how did they do it. When they felt so low how did they find their faith if they ever lost it. I’ve reached out to my friend because I wanted her to understand why I’ve been so closed off.
I think it’s so important to inform those you love why you are the way you are. Writing is a big part of who I am and a big part of my healing journey. It’s been a long time since I’ve written like this and I don’t know why but I just had this urge to write how I am feeling & share it. My illness won’t stop, I live with chronic ones so they are for life. But sometimes it becomes too much, when you spend the best part of your day in bed because your trying to fight of a simple stomach bug or a fever or anything, the darkness of it all consumes you.
I just feel like if you are suffering from anything please don’t think you’re alone for even one second. There is someone out there who loves you and will help you. I know I’ve got a long road, even though my leg is healed my demons haven’t completely left. But that’s because life is complicated, it changes, people who thought we were so close to leave. And sometimes there gaps in life can’t be filled but we have to find the right coping mechanism for ourselves.
Also put yourself first because no one else. And always no matter what be kind you don’t know anyone’s story no matter how much they share.
