This weekend I went away for a hen weekend. And like all hen weekends it was planned in advance and it was something I had been looking forward to for a while. It was also the first time I was ever going away with my husband’s cousins. I’ve been married nearly 8 years and this was the first time that I was going away with his cousin sisters. In the past the girls have got married but none of the girls have had done a hen weekend like this so I was looking forward to it.
Honestly it was so great and I laughed so much. To be honest a hen weekend is such a great time to get together. You get dressed up and let your hair down. It was all that and more. I hadn’t had alcohol in over a year so I really wanted to enjoy myself with a couple of glasses of Prosecco & then we made cocktails so got to enjoy them and it was a really lovely experience.
However, I guess my excitement of the weekend had to be ruined in some capacity. I got my period! And you’re all probably reading that and thinking what’s the big deal we all get them. Well for me it is a big deal & it affects me in so many ways. If you have read my earlier blog posts you would know my struggles with them. But if you haven’t let explain about what happens and how it made me feel in this situation.
I came off the pill for good end of last year as we are trying for a family. Now we have been down this road before but in the past it was different. In the past I would go back on the pill with the doctors advice as they wanted to understand why I bled so heavily when my period started. I have always had a heavy bleed but it’s nothing compared to what I get now. My bleed is so heavy now that I soak through the pad on to my underwear. I have to wear the highest strength pad doubled up & still I will bleed through. In the past it would come on like this & I would be back on the pill and I believed it was God’s plan. It wasn’t my time then to have a kid. I hadn’t checked off my tick list I accepted it. As a type 1 diabetic my blood sugar wasn’t were it needed to be and I was on really strong painkillers that would’ve affected my pregnancy anyways. So I accepted this. For the past 4 years or so this is what has been happening. It comes on heavy and I go back on the pill.
Anyways fast forward to now 2025. As soon as I came off the pill in December 2024, I had a period and honestly it was minimal and fine. So I was expecting to start beginning of Jan it didn’t happen. So I just thought it’s irregular it won’t happen this month. I started on Friday before I left for my trip. It was like my previous period nothing was happening. And within my 1hour plus drive it’s like the gateway had open and I was gushing. I still pushed it to the back of my mind as I really wanted to enjoy myself. I kept getting involved in the fun around me but my mind was elsewhere. I kept checking the sofa when I stood up, I was going to the toilet calculating my next pad change. We went to sleep and I prayed for it to be better the next day.
I woke up at 5am and was dreading going to the toilet so fell back asleep. I knew at 7am that I would have to get up. I rushed to the toilet and it was like scene from a blood bath. When I see that it always take me back to the first time it happened and I was such a state as there was blood everywhere. I started to check the toilet and all around me. I could see that the blood had got on to my pyjama bottoms but in that moment all I wanted to do was just go home. I sorted myself out and went back to bed and just cried. I was sharing a room with my two sister in laws & didn’t want to disturb them or for them to see me like this so just cried silently. Once everyone was up, I had decided to tell them both that I was probably going to back home today. I didn’t feel myself nor did I feel comfortable to be there. I still tried to put it all behind me, and got ready.
Even once we were ready the fear of sitting was just getting to me too much! I thought I need to tell one of the sisters who organised it what’s happening. She was like you do what’s best for you. If you need to go at any point then just leave. I felt so supported. We all got back together as I group and I realised that I would need to move my car as I was blocked in if I wanted to leave. I asked another one of the sisters if she could move and as soon as she asked me what’s up. I just broke down crying and I just couldn’t take it anymore. The stress of it all,the emotions the distraught that just meant I wasn’t pregnant just all got to me.
I knew there and then that I would probably need to go home soon. I didn’t want to cause a scene or make a drama because it wasn’t about me so tried to shield myself from anyone else who would see me crying! We went out and honestly just drinking and being around good company I tried not to think about it. I did keep sticking to my toilet time and even then I was like trying to keep not thinking about it. I ignored what was on my pad and was like it will be ok.
We had to come back earlier to the house we were staying. Me and my niece grabbed some food for everyone even then I was trying not to think about it. However once we got back I thought I better go and change my pad. As soon as went to the bathroom, the pad had been soaked and so was my underwear. I felt like I had wet myself. I quickly changed my underwear and packed my stuff up. I knew in that moment I needed to come home.
I ate with everyone and then slipped out. I told my two sister in laws & one of the sisters that I was going. I felt and still do feel rubbish that I left earlier and not only that this had consumed me all weekend. I made sure that I could be present for the bride to be no matter though how I felt and stayed until truly I knew I could leave without missing anything.
So here goes with all the questions running through your head because trust me I get asked plenty. I have been investigated twice with the relevant team and nope they can’t find anything wrong. They can’t even find the PCOS they had diagnosed me many moons ago. My scans are all clear so they don’t know why it happens. Regarding pregnancy there is no reason as to why I am not falling pregnant from a biological point of view. Apart from the diabetes they can’t see why it isn’t happening. They have said you need to give your body the time to go through this and see what happens.
Why not just have IVF? Well firstly if they can’t find anything wrong they want me to try naturally. Secondly right now I wouldn’t be able to put myself or my body through that. Thirdly it’s no one’s bloody business what I do or if I should do it..
It hits me really hard when I go through all this. However though this time is different this time it hit me to my core. Because this time all my pre period symptoms were those of that being pregnant. I truly believed I was pregnant and before I could test this happens and it broke something in me. I always believed that god has a plan and that your destiny is already written for you. But right now I can’t seem to believe in god or his plan. When this has happened in the past I always able to get over this feeling in essence as I knew I wasn’t where I said I always wanted to be in life before I had or even tried for kids. But for the first time I am exactly where I want to be. Everything I wanted has been ticked off my list and actually feel so ready so I believed it would happen.
I know that there will be struggles and I have to find my own coping mechanism. But it doesn’t mean that it hurts any less when that period comes. I just wish people wouldn’t ask me. The stigma around being married and not having a kid is so strong that it breaks me a little every time I get asked. I was at a party and I got told several times how I should have a kid? And I have been married long enough (7 years) that I should have a kid by now. And I think if only you knew my struggles you would see how I would want that more than anything!!
So here is a pic of me from the weekend - you can all see the smile and happiness. But truly inside & deep down there is fear, sadness, embarrassment, anxiety all mixed in to one!
